Redeemed
by lemacd
Summary: Eva Beadle struggles to keep a secret so she can continue to live and work in Walnut Grove, but she finds herself unable to keep it hidden for long. Humiliation threatens to undo her to the core. Dr. Baker steps up and offers the only chance out of a life of total shame. He just wants to love her. She is sure her secret will never allow that to happen. PLZ Read and REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1

Redeemed

Chapter One

The autumn months were solidly upon the small town of Walnut Grove. Eva Beadle enjoyed the crisp air that comes in the fall, but regretted that the daylight hours slipped away earlier and earlier with each passing day. She had many things to prepare for the following school day before heading to her room at the boarding house, but the single candle was not giving enough light for her to do it as quickly as she wanted. She made a mental note to bring an extra lantern with her tomorrow. She removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes, tired from straining to read in the dark.

Suddenly she heard the door open. The draft created whipped around the small room. The candle flickered frantically and then went out. She put her glasses back on and tried to see who was there, but the person hid behind a partition that kept the doorway hidden. She scrambled in the dark to find some matches to relight the candle, but the start of footsteps was too distracting.

"Who… who's there?" she called out. A form appeared but didn't speak. She could tell it was a young man. "Please. I can't see you. Tell me who you are."

The figure continued to move steadily toward her without saying a word. She groped around in her desk for matches and found them just as the man stood in front of her. The sudden flare of light revealed one of her oldest students, Benjamin Stevin. She let out a small sigh of relief but was instantly annoyed.

"Benjamin! Why did you scare me like that? Didn't you hear me ask your name?"

"Sorry, Miss Beadle. I didn't mean to scare you. I was walking home from the mercantile and saw the candle light in the window. I forgot my slate and figured if you were here, I could get it."

"Well, that's fine, I guess. " Eva felt a growing sense of uneasiness. Benjamin was not only one of her oldest students, he was the biggest. She often felt awkwardness when dealing with him, a strange glare, the ways his eyes didn't stay on just her face but up and down her whole body. She convinced herself he was just different and unmannered. Here, in the dark schoolhouse, it didn't seem to ease her discomfort. "I was just getting ready to leave, so… please find your slate and go on home."

"Miss Beadle? Do you know how old I am?"

"No, Benjamin. I guess I don't. I really don't think of my students by age but by grade, I guess."

"I'm sixteen years old. Almost seventeen, actually. "

Eva sat and waited. She didn't know what to say and wasn't sure the point of telling her. She reached for her grade book and satchel and stood up, hoping he would take the cue to leave as well.

"My pa says that sixteen is a man. What do you think of that?"

"Well, I don't disagree with your pa, Benjamin. You are certainly fully grown. A full grown man should know manners and know better than to sneak up on people. Even if you are a grown man, you are still my student and I told you to go on home." Eva pointed to the door but he didn't budge.

"Miss Beadle, I don't get much from school."

"I'm very sorry to hear that."

"I do get something when I look at you, Miss Beadle. I get very warm and happy and excited. Why do you think that is?"

Eva shuddered. This was not an appropriate conversation to have anywhere, nevermind in a darkened schoolroom. She quickly stepped around from her desk and headed toward the door.

"Benjamin, please put out the candle after you find your slate. Shut the door behind you. Do not linger long after I leave, please." Eva turned away from him but he suddenly blocked her way. She clutched her belongings closer to her chest and tried to go around him, but he was a wall that loomed over her.

"Please, Benjamin, I… I don't know what you are doing but I beg you to stop and let me go. I won't mention this to your Pa and we'll forget all about it tomorrow in school, okay? I really would like…"

Before she could finish, his hands were on her, grabbing both her arms tightly. She let out a little scream as she pulled away, but he was incredibly strong and all it did was cause him to shake the book and satchel free from her grasp. He pushed her up against the wall and leaned in close to her ear.

"This is going to happen, Miss Beadle. I don't want to hurt you but I might if you don't just settle down." He leaned his body against her and started kissing her neck. Eva struggled to get words out but her mind and throat froze shut in total terror. As she felt his hands move over her body, she mustered strength to push him away.

"NO!" She bolted for the door, but in an instant he grabbed her by the back of her hair and pulled her to him. He wrapped his arms around her and dragged her to the front of the room near her desk.

"No, no, no, no… Benjamin, please, don't do this…", she pleaded. He released her, spun her around and back handed her across the face. Eva flew against her desk and over ended the candle. It the spilling wax extinguished the flame and once again she was in the dark. In a flash he was upon her again, only this time he was not slow or merely groping. He frantically tore at her blouse, at her skirt, touching parts of her, making her cry in desperation.

"No, no, no… please, stop…", she continued to beg, but it was no use. Every attempt Eva made to get free resulted in another punch to the face or a fist full of her hair driving her head into the hard top of the desk. She grew dizzy and short of breath. She closed her eyes as he assaulted her. She wished she could close her ears to the grunting, the heavy breathing. She could tell he was reveling in his conquest of her, not ashamed or sorry. She prayed to God for it to stop, for it to be over quickly, but it seemed to go on forever. Finally, it was over and she heard him stagger away from her. She didn't move. She waited for him to run off. Surely he would run away now that he had committed such a horrific deed. He stood nearby. She opened her eyes. Despite the darkness, she could tell he was still glaring at her.

"That… was good. I really liked that."

"Go away. Leave me alone."

Benjamin didn't leave. He came closer and lifted her up. Eva couldn't stand and slumped to the floor. He slowly guided her down and settled on the floor next to her. He continued to stare at her.

"I'm not done, Miss Beadle. I can't go away."

Eva started to sob as he moved on top of her once again, this time raping her slowly, deliberately. He kissed her neck and face. He tried to kiss her mouth but Eva bit his lip, earning a slap across her sore face. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness by this time and she watched the frenzied wildness in Benjamin's eyes as he moved on her. She tried to look at something else, but his face sweating over hers lingered in her mind's eye.

Finally, he stopped again. He stood up and backed away. She heard the sound of his belt tightening around his waist, the sound of his steps heading toward the back door. He opened the door and paused before cross the threshold.

"Miss Beadle, I sure do hope you recover from that nasty fall you take on your way home. You know, the one that gives you that fat lip and black eye. You really should be more careful. It isn't proper for a lady to stay out so late in the dark. Bad things could happen. You'll only have yourself to blame. Everyone… would blame you, too. Good night, Miss Beadle. And thank you." Benjamin closed the door silently behind him and crept into the darkness and shadows.

Eva didn't trust he wouldn't return. She remained on the cold floor a long time. She heard his words in her head, bouncing off the walls like he was still there. Everyone would blame her, he said. If they found out, she would have to leave in shame. She would never teach again. She would be lost in the world forever.

She sat up slowly. Her body wracked with pain. Her face was sore, especially her jaw. She stood and tried to straighten up her clothes and her hair. Her glasses flew off at some point and she had no clue where. She arranged the items on her desk again and tried to make everything look like it had. She had to come back in the morning. She wanted no trace of what had happened waiting for her.

She draped a long shawl around her shoulders tightly, covering the places on her blouse that exposed her violated skin. Once she trusted she could walk through the town like normal, she headed home. Mercifully there was no one around and she made it to the boarding house unnoticed. She hurried up the stairs to her room, but was stopped by the landlady at the bottom of the stairs.

"Miss Beadle, you missed supper. Are you hungry? There is still some left."

"Uh… no, thank you. I… I really don't feel very well. I think I should just go straight to my room tonight."

"Oh, well, I'd be glad to bring you some tea, then."

"No! I mean, I don't really want tea, thank you. Um, but… I think I would like to take a bath. Might help me sleep, you know? Would that be possible?"

"Oh, sure, dear. I can have Mr. Foster bring up the hot water and let you know when it's ready. You have a good night."

"Good night, Mrs. Foster."

Eva bolted for her room and quickly shed her clothes. She glanced in the mirror and gasped at what she saw. Her face wasn't too badly bruised, but there were marks all over her arms where Benjamin had grabbed her. She quickly reached for a robe and covered herself. She slumped into a large chair and started to cry softly.

She felt so stupid. Why did she stay so long after the school day was over? What was she thinking? Why didn't she heed her instincts when Benjamin leered at her during class? Why couldn't she better protect herself? She hated him for what he did to her, but she blamed herself for letting it happen, for not fighting harder, for not running away. He was despicable, but he was an ill mannered, uneducated overgrown child. He only need to tell a simple lie to make it all her fault.

She wouldn't tell anyone. No one would know anyway. Mrs. Foster didn't suspect anything. She would tell them she fell in the dark on her way home. She stumble headlong into a tree. That would explain her injuries on her face. She had never lied to anyone. Everyone trusted her. They would probably believe her story without afterthought.

There was a knock at the door, causing her to jump.

"Miss? The hot water has arrived. Have a good night. The Mrs. said she hopes you feel better."

"Th-thank you, Mr. Foster. I will try."

Eva walked slowly to the door and listened at he plodded down the stairs. She quietly opened the door and walked down the hall to the wash room. She locked it behind her, shed the robe and eased slowly into the hot water. Her muscles were tense and she hugged herself as the water grew cooler. She let it wash away the filth he left behind on her. She wanted to the shame to go with it, but it remained.

The shame would be her secret until she died. And she wanted to die in the worst of ways.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

The next day was brutal. Eva never really slept. After she cried all the tears she could, she drifted into a fitful sleep of dreams that made no sense. The dreams frightened her nonetheless. Finally the sky turned lighter and she left her bed and got dressed. She looked in the mirror and there it was: the tell tale bruise under her left eye. She panicked. The children would be surprised at best. Children ask questions.

She quietly opened her door and tiptoed down the stairs. Mrs. Foster would be in the kitchen preparing breakfast for all the boarders. She wanted to leave unnoticed, but she often picked up something for her lunch and Mrs. Foster would be annoyed if she didn't know Eva planned skip breakfast. She realized that it was time to face someone.

"Good morning, Mrs. Foster." Eva tried to sound cheery. It didn't sound real, but the landlady responded in kind.

"Glorious morning, dear. My, you are up bright and early! You must be starv… Oh! Miss Beadle! What on earth happened to you?" She covered her mouth with her hand as she drew closer to look at the wounded face.

"Oh, yes… I know it is a terrible sight, isn't it? It was so dark last night when I came home. I tripped and fell right into a tree. Stopped myself with my face, unfortunately."

"Tsk, tsk. Are you ok?"

"Oh, my yes. It looks a lot worse than it feels. I am concerned what the children are going to think about it. I hope we can focus on our schoolwork."

"Yes," Mrs. Foster looked at her strangely. "Do you think you should see Dr. Baker?"

"No, I don't think that is necessary. I'll be fine."

"How about some breakfast, then? You didn't eat supper last night. You must be so hungry."

"Yes, well… I-I-I don't think I want to be answer a lot of questions this morning. I really would like to get to school." Eva grabbed an apple from the pantry and turned to leave. "I just wanted to let you know I will be absent for breakfast today."

"Well, wait a second," Mrs. Foster muttered. She reached into an icebox and retrieved a lunch pail. "There is a cold sandwich and another apple. Eat something, dearie. You need your strength."

Eva took the pail and smiled. She quickly left the boarding house and headed to town and to school. She was the first one there. She entered quietly and slowly. It suddenly occurred to her that he could be there waiting for her. She hadn't really even considered that he would be there for class, sitting innocently at his desk. He would be watching her, staring all day long. No matter what she said or did, he would be thinking about what happened. It might make him think about doing it again.

She quickly looked around and saw no one. Surprisingly the room looked to be in order. The candle was upright. Her papers were piled neatly in the middle. She remembered that she tried to make things right before going home, but she didn't recall doing it as thoroughly as this. Then she saw something she knew was not right. A piece of paper sat folded on a desk in the front row. Neatly folded on a piece of paper were her missing glasses. She reached for them and put them in her skirt pocket. She stared at the paper. She slowly picked it up and opened it.

_Dear Miss Beedle,_

_I have to work with my pa so I can't come to scool today. _

_But I will see you after scool when I'm done. B_

Her heart started to beat faster. He came back. He was here already and left this note for her. She quickly shoved the paper in her desk and sat down. Her head started to throb. She waited a few minutes and then composed herself. She took out the day's assignments and went through her regular routine. At five minutes before the hour, she rang the early bell warning for school. She already heard some of the children running around outside the schoolhouse. She couldn't figure out how she was going to get through the day.

Finally the time came to start school. She rang the bell and welcomed her students as they filed into the one room building. A few of them noticed her face was not right, but none of them said anything right away. Finally, after morning exercises and prayer, Nellie Oleson raised her hand and asked what they all seemed to want to know.

"Oh, children, I'm quite alright," she blushed. "It was really dark when I went home last night and I fell down. I tripped and hit a tree with my face. Can you believe what a clumsy teacher you have?" The children laughed and said nothing more. It went much better than she expected.

At lunch time, Eva had a sudden idea. She placed one of the older girls in charge of the younger children and rushed back to her room. She reached under her bed for a box that she almost never opened. She took a deep breath and opened it slowly. Inside was a revolver that her father had given to her when she left home to teach. Every woman needs a gun, he said. You'll sell it when you get married. She never shot it and didn't know the first thing about using it. She wrapped it in a scarf and hurried back to school. It didn't make her feel any safer that it was nearby, but she was still glad it was there.

The day finally ended. Eva waited for the last student to leave before she gathered her belongings and headed home. She was not going to give Benjamin an easy chance to ruin her again. Her body was still sore and she walked slower. She was starting to think that he would not find her when a noise from the wood behind her startled her. She spun around to find Benjamin. He was out of breath and filthy from working in the fields.

"Miss Beadle, I thought you'd be waiting for me at the school."

"You stay away from me."

"But we had a date, remember? I left the note for you. You were supposed to wait at school for me."

"Stay away!"

"No, I don't think so. I ran all the way to see you."

Eva drew the gun out and pointed it at Benjamin. He stopped and backed up.

"I said… stay away."

"Why do you have that? I ain't going to hurt you."

"YOU ALREADY DID HURT ME!" Eva spat at him, tears flowing. "Now, listen to me. You will stay away from me. You will stay away from school. I am going to tell your pa that you're done with school. I will give you a certificate and tell him that it is time for you to start working like a man. I suspect he never cared for you wasting time at school anyway. I'm sure he will be glad to put you to work. Like the farm animal you are, Benjamin Stevins."

"Alright," he mumbled. "I'll do that. Shame, Miss Beadle. I think we needed each other in the worst way. You know, you come find me when you change your mind."

"GO! NOW!" The gun shook in her hand but her aim never left the target. Benjamin smirked and bowed clumsily before sprinting back down the road from where he came. The firearm shook even more. When he was gone, she lowered her hand and put it back in its hiding place. The adrenaline helped her run home. She quietly headed up to her room and waited for her heart to stop pounding.

An hour passed and nothing happened. She wasn't sure what she expected. But after that hour, she had a renewed sense of self. It may have been crazy to be so sure, but she believed Benjamin would stay away. She could smell supper cooking downstairs and she suddenly felt very hungry.

At dinner, there were few questions about her appearance. She was sure Mrs. Foster had told everyone what had happened and it seemed like a logical explanation. She ate her food slowly and listened to the stories told around the table. One of the gentlemen, Mr. Scott Thurlow, revealed that one of his first jobs was as a deputy in a western town. She waited for the meal to finish before speaking to him.

"Mr. Thurlow," she whispered. "I'm not really sure how to ask this favor of you. I am sure you are a busy man but, well… my father gave me this revolver a long time ago. I think he was afraid of his daughter being alone and all that. Well, I never learned to use it and it occurred to me that I think I would really like to know how to shoot it. I've always kept it hidden away because to be honest, I'm afraid of it. Do you think you could teach me?"

"Miss Beadle," he smiled. "I reckon that if I had a daughter I would do the same thing as your pa. First, though, I would have shown her how to use it. I'd be right glad to teach you."

"Nothing big, just so you know. Just how to shoot it, what it's like to hold it right."

"Sure. That's all you really need to know. How's about Saturday morning after breakfast we take a trip out to Miller's clearing? I make sure it's ok and we'll take a few shots, ok? Do you have ammunition and everything?"

Eva started to laugh. She didn't have a single bullet. Benjamin fell for her bluff.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

The following nights were filled with dark dreams for Eva. She woke up from each in a sweat, panting as though she had been running for hours. Her jaw and fists would be clenched so tight that the pain lasted well into the daytime. As far as she knew, she never called out in her dreams. No one in the boarding house let on that they could hear anything. She came to dread sleep.

When word had spread through the students that Miss Beadle took a nasty fall, she received a surprise house call from Dr. Hiram Baker, the town physician. He claimed he merely wanted to make sure there was nothing worse than bruising around her face but he seemed to question more than her fall. Eva laughed about her clumsiness in an attempt to avoid answering questions. If there was one thing she was sure, the best lies were kept simple. Explaining her injuries more than to say she fell would create problems.

"It appears that you will recover, Miss Beadle," Hiram said, closing his examination bag. "I don't suppose I need to tell you that it can be quite dangerous to wander around in the dark. Falling is the least of all dangers."

"I'm quite aware now, thank you," Eva replied. "I haven't made that mistake since. 'Home before sunset' is my new motto."

"Good," he smiled. "I'd offer something for the pain but I suppose that ship has already sailed."

"Oh, yes. I feel fine. I'm more embarrassed than hurt. The poor children must have had quite the fright that first day. No doubt they exaggerated when they told their parents."

"Wouldn't doubt that at all. All the same, I wish you had come to me sooner. If you had broken anything, you could have lost your eye."

"I realize that now. I was just too embarrassed, I guess." Eva wished he would finish with his lecture and leave. She had high esteem for the doctor and considered him a dear friend, but she was not going to confide anything to him and the sooner this interchange was over, the better.

"Yes," he muttered. "I get that a lot from people. You'd be amazed."

Hiram put on his overcoat and headed to the door. He sensed that there was more to this accident but years of experience told him that when tending to his friends, it would do no good to keep prying. Eva didn't have anything to hide in this community. There was no reason to question her story at all. Doing so would strain their friendly relationship. It occurred to him that it was a friendship that he treasured more than most.

Eva continued to carry her revolver to school but not once did she need to reveal it. Benjamin never returned and was seldom in town. One time she saw Mr. Stevins coming out of the feed store and she thought she should reinforce with him that Benjamin was finished at school but she thought better of it. She did not want anything to do with the family or give Benjamin any cause to think about her at all.

She threw herself into classes at school. She discovered that dealing with the older children, especially the boys, caused a great deal of stress so she focused unfairly on the younger students. It wasn't their fault, of course, but she couldn't bring herself to be near them. If they approached her, she froze and gave quick answers to their questions.

All in all, Eva felt that she had survived the ordeal the best she could. She counted on the passing of time to bring her back to complete normalcy as a teacher and a person. The nightmares continued and she knew that there would be demons forever haunting her for what had happened to her. But she was determined to keep the secret until she died. Still, when she was alone with her thoughts, when she heard a sudden sound or if she found herself in a darkened room too long, her heart rate sped and a feeling of dread and terror choked her.

When the week had finished, Eva made her weekly shopping trip to the mercantile after school. She needed to replace the clothing that Benjamin tore. She browsed the books, purchased some personal items and started to leave when Mr. Thurlow entered. He noticed her heading out and waved her over.

"Miss Beadle," he whispered. "Fancy meeting you here. I was just going to pick up some ammunition for our excursion tomorrow. I talked to Mr. Miller and he is very willing for us to use his field. He did make one request, however. He asked me to teach his daughter to shoot, too. So she'll be joining us if you don't mind."

"Well, I… I suppose that is alright, but… are you talking about his daughter Elizabeth?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"I thought she was living east at school. I wasn't aware that she was back in Walnut Grove."

"Yeah, about that," he whispered even lower. "Mr. Miller is rather keen on keeping that information quiet. Not sure why. But since he is being kind to let us use his field, I think it only right to meet this request."

"Of course," she managed to speak. The truth was that Eva was not very happy to share this experience with another. She didn't want anyone to know she was learning to shoot. One more person just risks word spreading. "While we're keeping secrets, Mr. Thurlow, I am not very eager for anyone else to know what we are doing. Do you think Mr. Miller will keep this to himself?"

"Surely," Mr. Thurlow nodded. "He doesn't want anyone to know his daughter is home, I suppose he will keep it all to himself. Say, this sleepy little town just became downright interesting if you ask me."

"Oh, not really," Eva laughed nervously.

Eva spent the evening reading in her room. Her social life was never very exciting and she now appreciated that fact more than ever. Thoughts of Elizabeth distracted her from the book. The girl had just celebrated her fifteenth birthday when she suddenly stopped attending school. Finally her mother visited to say that Elizabeth had received an offer to go east and attend a prestigious school in exchange for help with a sick aunt. It was a very generous offer that couldn't be passed up and Elizabeth was very eager to go. Why had she returned? It had been over a year; surely her schooling was not complete?

Finally Eva dragged herself to bed. Almost instantly the nightmares started again. She woke twice in a sweat, her nails imbedded in the palms of her hands. She rolled over and tried sleep again. She was not sure these nightmares would ever go away for good.

The next morning, Scott Thurlow and Eva Beadle walked through the woods to what was known by the town as Miller's clearing. It was a quite a distance from town. The air had a slight chill but the shining sun warmed them as they briskly moved off the regular path toward the field. As they got closer, Eva could see Elizabeth standing with her father waiting for them to arrive. Elizabeth looked very different, much older and quite sadder. She did not seem happy to see them.

"Good morning," Scott hollered. "Welcome to the Thurlow School of Target Shooting." It was a bad joke and no one laughed. Suddenly it seemed to be solemn, even unpleasant, to think about what they were doing.

"Good morning, Mr. Thurlow. This is my daughter Elizabeth. I'd be much obliged if you could get her to learn something. She has my shotgun." Eva noticed he didn't look at his daughter and she didn't look at him. There was a very bad feeling. Mr. Miller quickly left them alone.

"First thing we need to do is set up some kind of target," Scott said. He pulled a large roll of paper out of his satchel and looked around to nail it to something. He searched the edge of the woods and found a long board that had been abandoned for some reason and carried it 100 feet into the field. He pulled out a hammer and pounded it into the ground so that it stood upright. It barely reached his shoulder. He then tacked on the paper target and headed back to where the girls stood awaiting instruction.

While this was happening, Eva approached Elizabeth and greeted her with a slight smile.

"Elizabeth I was surprised to hear that you returned from Boston already. Of course, I was surprised when you left, too. It is really good to see you. Did you just get back?"

"No," Elizabeth mumbled with an edge in her voice. "I've been back since the end of July."

"Really? I guess I thought you'd come back to school."

"No, Miss Beadle. I'm not coming back to school. I'm done with school."

The tone in her voice was dark. Eva decided not to pursue it any further. Mr. Thurlow had returned to them and was asking to see the firearms they planned to use. Eva produced her father's Colt pocket revolver. He had used it during the war and passed it along to her when she left. Elizabeth held her father's shotgun loosely at her side.

They were given slow careful instruction on loading and holding each weapon and finally given tips on aiming and firing. The first shot sent Eva stumbling on her heals, but she was determined to wield it with confidence. She discovered that her farsightedness was an advantage and hitting the target was not that difficult. Scott seemed rather impressed with her accuracy.

Elizabeth finally worked up the courage to fire the shotgun. She survived the kickback rather well, and quickly prepared for another shot. The target was taking a beating.

"Again, Mr. Thurlow." Elizabeth stared out at the target and handed the shotgun to him to be reloaded. He obliged and without taking her eyes off the shredded paper in the field, she raised it and shot it again. And again. And yet again. Eva suddenly realized that tears were streaming down her face with each shot. Finally the last shot blasted the board apart and the target was no more.

"Well," Scott Thurlow exclaimed. "I don't know who that fellow was, Miss Miller, but he must have really done you wrong." Elizabeth turned quickly and stared at him. By then he saw her tears and instantly regretted his joke.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I think you did great. I didn't mean anything…"

"It's ok, Mr. Thurlow. I don't blame your joke. I suppose it is rather funny, a helpless girl blowing away a piece of wood. What is even funnier is that…" Elizabeth stopped herself. She handed him the shotgun and quickly wiped her face with her hands. "I think I'm done. I… I really need to go."

"Sure," he said softly. "You better take this to your father. I'll be sure to tell him you know your stuff. You did a fine job, Elizabeth."

"Thank you," she muttered as she rushed off to the path that led to her house.

"I think I'm done, too. Thank you for the lesson, Mr. Thurlow. I feel much better now that I've actually shot this thing."

"I must say, Miss Beadle, that you are not only a fine teacher but a fine student. I thought we'd be out here a lot longer. In fact, I was kind of hoping we'd spend more of the day together."

Eva suddenly needed to go somewhere, anywhere. His words sounded like teasing to her. She instantly regretted being in the middle of the woods with this man that she barely knew. What had she been thinking?

"Mr. Thurlow," she sputtered as she put the revolver back in the holster and wrapped it again in the scarf. "I am not really sure what you are suggesting but please don't say anything else. I need to go back. I'm sorry, but…"

"Whoa, Miss Beadle, I assure you that I meant nothing harmful. I was just hoping for the pleasure of your company for the whole morning, but I don't intend to keep you against your will."

"Of course not. I shouldn't be so rude… I-I-I'm so sorry,"

"Well, we have the walk back to town," he sighed. "I won't talk if that will make you uncomfortable."

"No, please… tell me about yourself, Mr. Thurlow. I realize that you've been in Walnut Grove for quite awhile but we haven't had much chance to be acquainted."

He smiled and gestured for her to join him as they walked back to town. She learned that he had grown up in Arkansas but moved to Texas as a young man to join the US Calvary. Instead he found work in a ranching town where he was instantly recruited by the sheriff to help keep the peace. He followed his first love to Minnesota after the war, but discovered she was not receptive to his charms. He drifted around the territory and settled briefly in Walnut Grove until he could buy some land of his own or figure where to drift next.

They returned to the boarding house by late morning. Eva excused herself to her room where she returned the gun to its box. She rested awhile before lunch. Mr. Thurlow made her promise to join him for the meal. She felt conflicted. This man was trying to be a part of her life in some way. She needed to keep it a small part. He didn't know what he was asking of her. He didn't know that she could never be anything to him.

She survived lunch, sharing some biographical details about herself. It was certainly a pleasant conversation and she regretted that it had not happened sooner in time. She knew she could not rebuff his attention without explanation. She would just have to pray that he lost interest quickly once he realized she was never going to be more than a friend.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The following morning Scott Thurlow accompanied Eva to church. She discovered that his company was not unpleasant, but she was still determined that she would not encourage his interest. He had proven to be a good man, faithful to his word and upbeat in his outlook look on life. He was a handsome man, tall and strong. There was a time when those qualities would be attractive to her, but now they were frightening.

He sat quietly through the service, glancing at her every once in a while to give her a smile. He was attracted to her the first time he saw her. She was a quiet woman, but there was a sense of contentment that he admired. He had been afraid to intrude on her peaceful life and was more than thrilled that she approached him first. Joanna had been a helpless bit of a woman which turned out to be the biggest obstacle in their possible happiness together. She needed stability and protection. His drifter existence didn't exactly meet her demands and she quickly found a man that could offer her what he couldn't. Eva's interest in shooting was something Joanna would never share. Her independence was another admirable trait he saw. There was clearly more than beauty to behold.

He escorted her home, but they walked in silence. He tried to engage in conversation, but Eva was lost in troubling thoughts.

"I wonder what delicious meal Mrs. Foster has prepared for dinner. I must admit that I look forward to Sunday for more than worship."

"Huh? Oh, yes… she's a fine cook."

"Eva," he sighed. "It is mighty hard to have a conversation by myself. Have I offended you?"

"What? No! Not at all," she sputtered, coming out of her trance. "I am just tired. I don't know what it is about Sunday. I enjoy worship but I'm mostly thankful that it is also a day of rest. I'm sorry to be such bad company."

"Well, I wouldn't say that at all. You are wonderful company. In fact, I would really like to keep company with you more. That is, if you are favorable." He stopped walking and took her by the hand. Eva quickly pulled back. She couldn't bear to have him touch her. She was uncomfortable to have him look at her, too. The feelings of fear started to rise in her throat. It was the first flashback she had experienced since she brandished the gun at Benjamin that afternoon on the way home from school.

"No, please, don't touch me!"

"Miss Beadle! Eva, please, I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm sorry, I… I need to get home, I'm not feeling well. I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. I just can't do this… be here… with you… like this. "Her voice started to shake. Her body started to tremble. The panic was more severe than she had experienced before. "I need to go now. Please, let's not stop anymore. I don't feel well at all."

They walked faster in silence. Once they reached the boarding house, Scott opened the door and Eva rushed in. As she flew up the stairs, the scent of food wafted from the kitchen and she was overcome by a wave of nausea.

"Please tell Mrs. Foster that I'm ill and won't be joining everyone for dinner. Please apologize for me." She ran quickly to her room and sat down. She hugged her knees and put her head in her lap until the sick feeling passed. This sealed it for her. She knew she would never be able to be with a man in any kind of intimate way. The simple gesture of taking her by the hand sent her into a reeling spin of terror and fainting. She started to weep silently.

She had been a fool. She had convinced herself that she would be able to live a normal life but for a secret she could lock away and forget. She had taken steps to conquer her fear. She had crafted lies and fooled everyone. But it was there, always there, ready to strike her down.

As the weeks passed, the nightmares not only continued, but they increased in severity. She not only woke up gasping for breathe, but sobbing. She found it a chore just to get through the day. She was exhausted by the end of school and had to use whatever energy she had left to walk home everyday.

It didn't help that people had noticed Scott escort her to church every week. Rumors started to make their way and even some of the children asked about him at school. She brushed it off and made light of it with the children, but sometimes these things couldn't be controlled. Even Mrs. Foster went to great effort to talk about Mr. Thurlow, clearly to get "in the know". Suddenly Eva found that her life was slipping out of her control, something she didn't want to happen, especially now.

It also didn't help that she couldn't eat. The harsh reality that she bottled inside her tied her up in knots, making even the smell of food unpleasant. Combined with the restless sleep, what happened next was inevitable.

The next day Eva felt strong enough to teach school, but by mid morning she knew she was very ill. The room kept closing in and moving away from her. It was getting harder and harder to form the words she wanted to say, and when she did they came out in a whisper. She stood up slowly.

"Class, I… I think we'll have to… dismiss… class, I…," she stuttered as she grabbed the edge of the desk. The floor flipped and a few children started to stand up to assist her.

"Miss Beadle?" It was Laura Ingalls. "Are you alright? Should I get Dr. Baker?"

"Laura… um, no…" Suddenly, the light from the windows faded. The sound of the children echoed in her head. She slumped to the floor and slowly watched the children's faces fade from her sight.

"Laura!" her sister Mary shouted. "Run and get Dr. Baker quick! And then run and tell Pa! Hurry!"

Laura busted through the crowd of students that gathered around their teacher quickly. She flew quickly down the steps and straight across the churchyard to Dr. Baker's office. She busted through the door, startling the gentle doctor out of his chair.

"Dr. Baker, you have to come quick. Miss Beadle fainted. We can't get her to wake up!"

"In the school house?"

"Yes, hurry! I need to go get Pa…" she shouted as she ran out the door. She ran to the mill and found her father, Charles, loading a wagon.

"Pa!" Laura screamed. She was sobbing as she tried to catch her breath and explain. "Oh, Pa! Miss Beadle got real sick at school. She fainted and we can't wake her up. Dr. Baker is there… please hurry, Pa."

He didn't wait for his daughter to catch up. As he ran toward the school, he saw Nels Oleson sweeping his storefront and hollered for him to come. By the time they reached the school, Dr. Baker had moved the children back to their seats and was tending to the teacher.

"Gentlemen, she has fainted, that's all. Still, she isn't coming to and that concerns me a little. Please help me get her to my office."

Charles and Nels gently lifted the small figure and carried her swiftly out the door and to the doctor's office. Dr. Baker dismissed the children after assuring them that their teacher would be fine, that it was just a fainting spell. Many of the girls started to cry in relief. He warned them to be truthful when they explained what happened to their parents. The nodded and filed out of the schoolhouse.

"Oh, Mary… Laura," Hiram whispered to the Ingalls girls as they started to leave. "Could you please ask your mother to come when you get home?"

They looked at each other and then nodded that they would do so. Hiram didn't normally seek assistance but he had a very strong feeling that he would need a woman nearby when Eva finally gained consciousness. He hurried back to his office. The men had settled her onto bed in his examination room. He dismissed them so he could work. The waited outside.

She didn't look very peaceful. Her face was ashen and perspiration wet the edge of her brow. He waited another minute. Her color started to improve slightly and he could sense her stir. She was now sleeping, but dreaming. She mumbled a few times, but didn't wake up fully. Time passed slowly. Finally there was a knock on the door. A breathless Caroline Ingalls entered quietly and took off her coat.

"Is she alright?"

"She will be, I'm sure of it." He closed the door on the gentlemen waiting outside and brought his voice down to a whisper.

"Something very odd is going on with Miss Beadle," he said. "She took a mighty bad fall a month ago and even though I examined her then, but… I don't know."

"I'm willing to help, but I'm not sure what you want me to do."

"Just… be here. Sometimes women need to talk to women, not men. Even if they are doctors."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Dr. Baker and Caroline sat in silence. It seemed to them like hours had passed before Eva began to stir. She opened her eyes and slowly glanced around the room. It was familiar enough, but she failed to know where she was immediately. She saw a man's face come into view and then a woman's next to him. Did she know these people? She didn't know what happened. She was sure she was in school.

"Eva? Can you hear me?" Dr. Baker spoke loudly. He used a small hand mirror to flash a light in her face. The teacher flinched and tried to sit up.

"What happened to me?"

"Well, you fainted at school."

"I did? How dreadful. Those poor children must have been terrified."

"They are fine," Caroline soothed. "They are worried, though."

"Eva, you haven't been well lately, have you?" The doctor sat back and questioned. She was not happy with the tone of his voice.

"I've been tired, yes… but really, Dr. Baker. Am I supposed to come running to you with every sniffle?"

"You don't have sniffles, Miss Beadle. You suffered a head injury and now you fainted. I cannot help but think that the two are related." Eva didn't reply.

"Tell me more about this fainting. Has it happened before?"

"I… I guess you can say it did, but only one time. I was tired after church and when I returned home, the smell of dinner just didn't… it made me feel sick. By the time I got to my room, I felt faint. I was able to sit down and it all went away."

"Eva…" the doctor leaned closer. "Have you been eating?"

"No, I… can't seem to bring myself to eat much these days. Maybe I have influenza. That would make sense, right?"

"Eva…" he whispered. He gestured for her to lay back down while he took her temperature and listened to her heart rate. It was pounding. He looked at her as if to promise he wouldn't hurt her and then slowly brought his hands to her abdomen. She quickly grabbed his hands and pulled them away. She sat back up. This was enough. She needed to leave.

"Caroline, would you mind waiting outside for a couple minutes?" he asked while looking at the terrified look in his patient's eyes. Caroline quietly excused herself and shut the door behind her.

Dr. Baker… please, I need to go home. This isn't necessary. I just need to…"

"Did you really fall, Eva?" he interrupted.

"Yes!" She spit through clenched teeth. "I fell! But now I'm FINE! Please just let me go home…" She collapsed into sobs. Dr. Baker tried once again to examine her but she reacted.

"Don't! Don't touch me. Leave me alone. Please…." she cried. "Please stop."

"Eva… I examined your face." He said gently. "That bruise on your eye… the cut on your lip. I've seen it many, many times. And never once did it happen from a fall. Almost always it was because someone was punched." He waited for her to respond, but she only looked away. "Did someone hit you?" She turned to look at him with pleading eyes.

"Please, I beg you… don't do this."

"That doesn't answer my question. Who hit you?"

"Stop it."

"At least tell me the truth and tell me that someone hit you."

"Alright! Someone hit me. There, you made me say it," she cried. "Why does that matter, why do you need to know this, doctor? Just so you could be right?"

"I didn't want to be right, Eva," he answered. He waited until she calmed down before continuing with his questions. He hated to ask the questions because he had a feeling he already knew the truth. He definitely knew she didn't want to tell it to him.

"I'm not here to judge or lecture or report. I'm here to see that you get well. A doctor cannot effectively treat a patient who doesn't tell him everything he needs to know."

Eva looked at the floor. This was not happening. He wasn't supposed to know, no one was supposed to know. This was not how it was supposed to work out. She felt everything falling apart.

"Eva… when was your last cycle?"

"No, no, no… please, don't…"

"Can you remember?"

"I'm begging you to stop."

"Eva, listen to me… don't just be honest with me. Be honest with yourself. Is there any possibility that you are pregnant?" She refused to look at his face. She sat frozen, scared to death.

"Ok, let's try this differently; I'm going to say what I think happened. You simply nod if I'm right, and shake your head if any part of it is false. Can you try?" He waited for a response. Finally she nodded.

"Fine… I think that you did not fall in the woods and hit a tree." Nod.

"I think someone hit you in the face…" Nod.

"…more than once…" Nod.

"…and not accidentally." Nod.

"I also think that the reason that you were hit… was to… subdue you. So he could control you." Long pause. Tearful nod.

"And I think… someone assaulted you after he…. after he hit you." Long pause.

"Eva, someone raped you…" Long pause. Slow nod.

"My God…" he mumbled.

Eva couldn't help but surrender to the total mental and emotional collapse. Her tears turned to sobs. Her sobs became painful wailing. She had suppressed the pain for so long that it was if a dam broke and she could no longer control herself. The doctor slowly reached out to comfort her, but thought better of it. He walked to the door and opened it slightly.

"Mrs. Ingalls… could you please come in?" Caroline followed immediately and was shocked at her friend's condition. "Please, comfort her. Let her cry, but please… hold her."

Caroline obeyed and gathered the poor woman in her arms and held her for what seemed like an eternity. Her wails slowly faded into the whimpering sound of a wounded woman. Finally, the doctor broke the silence.

"Eva… I think this happened about six to eight weeks ago." Nod.

"I also think that lately you have been extra tired. And lately, strong smells offend you, especially food. You can't keep food down… and you've had a couple of near fainting spells before this one." Nod.

Dr. Baker collapsed in his chair, removed his glasses and bowed his head for a moment. Caroline stared at him wide eyed. She understood the questions. She saw the distraught woman in her arms. She followed the logic but it was still unbelievable. She lifted her friend's face.

"Eva?" They looked at each other and together cried. Finally Eva sat up, wiped her eyes and tried to stand up.

"I need to go home," she said. "I can't be here anymore. Please, both of you, please… just stop looking at me. I can't stand your pity."

"It isn't pity, Miss Beadle," Dr. Baker stated. "We want to help you. You need help. You cannot possibly handle this alone." Caroline nodded in agreement.

"No, no… that is not what this is. I know what you are thinking. I know what you're thinking of me… you're thinking 'How could she let that happen?' or 'She shouldn't have been such a careless, stupid woman.' That's what this is."

"Not at all," Caroline stated firmly. "Eva, this is a shock for us, but this happened to you. We love you; we only want to help you."

"No," she replied. "You can't love me. No one can ever love me. Don't you understand? I'm broken. No one will ever want me, could ever look at me and not think about… Please, leave me alone." She bolted across the room. Charles Ingalls was leaning against his buckboard when she ran flew out the door like a shot from a cannon. His wife was not far behind, calling for her to stop. It was no use. The teacher was determined to be gone and gone she was.

Dr. Baker came out into the sunlight, welcoming the fresh air into his lungs. His career as a doctor now spanned almost half his life. He recalled giving bad medical news to many who were more than just patients to him, including the Ingalls. Delivering the news of death was brutal; but this was a living death. There would be no deliverance from this kind of pain. It was the kind of pain that deceptively fades but jumps out at often the most unsuspecting times.

"Let her go," he said. "But Caroline, please call on her tomorrow and make sure she is alright. Make her eat something. Perhaps you can think of something that she can easily keep down. Urge her to rest." He retreated back to his office.

Caroline looked at her husband and reached out to him for comfort.

"Oh, Charles," she cried into his embrace. They climbed into their wagon and headed home. Caroline wouldn't reveal anything to her husband right away, except to say that Miss Beadle, and the town of Walnut Grove, needed prayer.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

A few days had passed. Dr. Baker had to visit a family that lived quite far from town. There were seven children in the family with another on the way. He enjoyed his regular trip to see the folks that don't come to town often, mostly because the travel gave him time to think. He set out early so he would have time to stop by the Ingalls place on his way.

He smiled to see the girls spot him coming down the road, waving and then running to announce his arrival. They never failed to be excited to see him coming, even if he forgot to bring candy. As he pulled into the yard, Caroline came out to greet him. She looked glad that he came. Days had turned into a week since he last spoke to Eva Beadle in his office. He imagined her fragile state of mind made him tread lightly in his care plan for her, but deep inside he couldn't bring himself to intrude. Her pain unsettled him. He never had that reaction to any other patient.

"Good morning, Ingalls family!" he shouted as he hopped out of his buggy. The girls ran to return the greeting. "I know it is mighty early but do you suppose your ma would mind if I doled out the sweets right off?"

"Please, Ma?" they begged in unison.

"I should say no, but… go ahead." She laughed as he handed them each their own small bag of candy. Laura let out a squeal.

"Jelly beans!"

"Enjoy. I would really like to speak to your ma. Would you girls take your candy inside so we can talk?"

"Yes, sir. Thank you!" they answered as they obediently went inside.

"Have you been able to see her?" he asked once they were alone.

"Yes," Caroline replied softly. "I called on her three times, as a matter of fact. She is eating better. I remembered that I used to make dozens and dozens of these soda biscuits when I had to deal with the morning sickness. It seemed to do the trick."

"That is a huge relief," the doctor sighed. Caroline drew closer to the buggy.

"Dr. Baker, we don't talk very much. If we do, it is never about her. I've tried to bring up her condition but she shuts me out. She won't accept any kind of compliment or kindness. I made the mistake of bringing some of the girls' newborn dressing yesterday and she wouldn't look at it or touch it. I don't know, I hoped it would force the issue, I guess. It was a disaster. She stopped talking and stared out the window for almost a half hour. I finally left without her saying a single word to me that whole time."

"Time might be the only medicine for her kind of pain. Believe me, if they made a medicine for it, I would never let my supply run out. She will talk about the future in good time, but… the past. There is a big question we need answered; who did this to her? I need her to say his name. He needs to be punished so she can understand that he is the bad guy, not her." Caroline rubbed her forehead as she pondered how to make that happen.

"I need to see her," he continued. "She needs to be checked. She needs the care and attention any woman that is expecting would require."

"I agree," Caroline nodded. "Go to her. She needs you."

"I will," he answered. "Mrs. Ingalls… I… I want… I don't know how to express this. Please try to understand. Her pain has been my pain for the last week. I confess that I cannot help but try to figure out who did this, and I'm coming up with names. Well, one name."

"Me, too. And she won't talk about him either."

Dr. Baker squeezed the leather reigns as he thought about Mr. Thurlow. He was reputed to be in love with her. She won't discuss him. He felt anger rising in his throat. He was almost afraid to speak.

"I don't know what to do… if I ever wanted to make pain and sufferings go away more than now I can't recall when it was. I can't understand why I feel such a need to make this better for her. But how? What can I do? Why am I so helpless when she needs me so much?"

"Dr. Baker, you can't beat yourself up! That doesn't do any good. We will get some answers and maybe you'll be able to see your role more clearly." Caroline reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You're a good man. She will figure out that she can't handle this alone. And we can't give up on her. Never."

He nodded sadly and then tipped his hat as he climbed back into his buggy. He couldn't express that his sense of failure wasn't as a doctor but as a friend and a man. Or that this tragic circumstance has stirred something toward Eva Beadle he didn't know existed. He urged his horse forward and waved goodbye. He spent the rest of the trip struggling to figure out how he was going to do more than see Eva Beadle through this nightmare. He was going to figure out how to strike the nightmare down.

The next day Eva sat at the window and watched the familiar black buggy draw up to the door of the boarding house. Doctor Baker climbed out and walked to the door. She braced herself for another emotionally tense day. After a few minutes, she heard footsteps up the stairs and stopping at her door. She turned the doorknob and let him in without a word. He entered and waited for her to sit down. Instead she crossed the room to her place near the window.

"You look well," Dr. Baker said, to break the silence.

"Do I?" she answered wryly.

"I heard that you've been able to eat. That is a huge relief to me." She turned back to window without responding. Why was he here? Why can't everyone just leave her alone?

"Would you please sit down so we can talk?" he asked as directly as he could without sounding angry.

"I don't like when we talk, Dr. Baker."

"Nevertheless... look, this happened to you! It happened _to _you. It wasn't your fault, you didn't ask for it, but it happened. Ignoring facts isn't going to make it go away. And it doesn't have to destroy your life."

"I don't have control in my life anymore."

"Take control."

"How?" she scoffed. It was hopeless.

"Tell me the name of the man who did this."

"I…I can't," she stammered. "Please don't make me do that."

"Why can't you? Did he threaten you? So what? What can he do to you now? If he wanted to wreck you, he did a pretty good job of it. You want control? Say his name. You didn't let him do this to you, Eva, but you sure are letting him have full reign in your nightmares."

"Stop it!" she screamed, wrapping her arms around her head.

"You have nightmares, don't you? You can't sleep because this person you protect during the day comes at night to terrorize you, to rob you of sleep and quality of this life. That's where you have the choice; you can protect him and let this cycle of nightmares take away all your hope or tell us who he is so he can pay and know without a doubt that you are not his to hurt ever, ever again." Dr. Baker paused to wipe the sweat from his face. He knew he sounded harsh and angry, but she needed someone to awake her up. "I can't promise that the nightmares will go away for good if you tell me his name, but I can sure as hell promise you that they won't if you do nothing!"

"Why are you yelling at me?"

"Because I am here, staring at this beautiful person of incredible worth and she has given up! Do this one thing for yourself. I can help you heal in many ways, but I can't help you do this. You must do it… if you ever hope to have a normal life."

"There will never be a normal life! I can't teach. I can barely stand to be in public anymore." She didn't think she had more tears to shed, but she was wrong. She hid her face against the window as hot tears ran down her face.

Dr. Baker slowly walked toward her and made one last plea.

"Eva," he said in lower, gentler tones. "I can't imagine everything you are feeling right now. But I know how it will end. You will shut out people that love you, you won't want to go and do the things you used to do, and you'll probably move away thinking that you're leaving all your problems behind. It won't work, it will follow you everywhere you go. You'll be an angry hurt person. What you probably don't realize is that people like that are all around. The longer they let the pain fester instead of dealing with it, the harder it will be in the end to be happy." He wasn't sure she even heard him. He reached out and touched her shoulder. She flew around and struck at him.

"Don't! Can't you understand? Can't you and your _nurse_," she spat out the last word. "Understand that I can't stand to have you look at me, never mind touch me. She brings baby dresses to try and put pretty bows on the fact that I'm carrying a bastard child, conceived in evil and violence. And you speak of healing! How do you heal death? I feel nothing! Nothing for this… thing!... inside me, nothing for the hurting people you insists are all around...all around… me. Oh!" Something in her mind stopped her short.

"What?" He asked, confused. "What is it?"

"Oh, my goodness … of course." She mumbled. She stared across the room as if he weren't there. She quickly moved toward a closet and removed a coat and hat. She ran out the door, leaving him standing in her room. He wanted to follow her but she was gone before he could figure out where she went. He returned to his buggy and turned it for home. He said a lot of things to her, none of which helped, and none of which expressed the feelings in his heart.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Eva walked all the way to Miller's clearing, her mind racing. She paused a moment to think through her thoughts. Dr. Baker's words triggered something and she couldn't shake it. What if she was wrong? What it worth further shame, giving her secret away to more people, to everyone? As she struggled to move forward, she saw the post Mr. Thurlow stuck in the ground the day he brought her here to shoot. It lay in pieces, splintered beyond any practical use other than kindling. Eva resolved to do what she came to do.

She followed the path to the Miller's house. It quiet, but smoke billowed from the chimney. She stood at the front door and knocked. Just as she reconsidered, the door opened. Mrs. Miller, a slender wisp of a woman stood welcomed her. Her face was incredibly sad, but with a smile.

"Miss Beadle, what a pleasant surprise. I feel like I haven't seen you for ages," she said. She opened the door wider to let her visitor inside.

"It really does," Eva nodded, discovering that she really didn't care for small talk anymore. "I'm here to see Elizabeth, if I may."

"Oh," Mrs. Miller said, instantly looking at the ground. "She isn't here at the moment."

"She isn't? I was under the impression that she really doesn't leave home much anymore."

"It's not a crime," Mrs. Miller looked up, somewhat indignant.

"No, not at all," Eva quickly replied. "I just really hoped to find her here. Do you know where she is?" The woman released her brave front and looked at the teacher. Elizabeth used to love school and adored her teacher. Perhaps she would be forgiven for what she was about to say.

"She goes for a walk everyday about this time. She wants to be alone. She would be so angry if she knew this, but I followed her once. I was afraid for her to be so alone, but she didn't go far so I let her go. I just can't…," Mrs. Miller's voice broke. She straightened her posture and cleared her throat. "She walks up the hill up back, toward the big tree? She sits up there for hours. Always comes back before dark. I can't find the harm in it so I let her go."

"That big tree? She's up there now, you think?"

"I can't imagine where else she would be."

Eva nodded her appreciation and headed up the hill. She felt tired half way to the top, but she forced herself to keep walking. When she got to the tope she saw Elizabeth sitting against the tree, staring out into space. She called the girl's name. Elizabeth looked up with a start. Miss Beadle was the last person she expected.

"Please forgive me for intruding," Eva apologized. "But now that I've found you, I wonder if we could talk."

"Miss Beadle," she whispered. "How did you know I'd be here?"

"I didn't, but…" she explained hesitantly. "…you're mother did. Don't be angry. She knows you want to be alone. I won't bother you for too long."

"What do you want?" Elizabeth looked at her with a hardened expression, then turned her face toward the bottom of the hill.

"I need to ask you something. It's rather… difficult to ask, but it's important. Um,… why did you leave Walnut Grove last year?"

"I thought my mother explained that to you. I went east."

"Yes," Eva said slowly, "but that was to attend school. You came back after less than a year. You were a great student, Elizabeth, I find it hard to believe that you couldn't make that…"

"I didn't like it, so I came home. Isn't that a great story?" The girl interrupted sarcastically.

"Is it a story?"

"What are you implying?"

"I think it is just a story. I think you left Walnut Grove for another reason."

"Oh," Elizabeth asked, somewhat uncomfortable. Eva saw that her hands were clenched tightly in her lap. She moved closer and sat on the ground next to her.

"I think something might have happened to you." She whispered. Elizabeth said nothing. They sat in silence. Eva was at a loss. How do you just come right out and ask such a thing? The girl drew her shawl around herself tighter, but would not confirm or deny the statement. Eva took a deep breath. This was even harder than she expected it to be.

"I think… Benjamin Stevins did something…"

"What did you say?" Elizabeth whipped her head around glared at her teacher. A nerve definitely was hit.

"I just remembered how hurt and angry you seemed that day we were together in the clearing, especially after you shot that target to pieces and Mr. Thurlow made that horrible joke. You don't want anyone to know you're back from living back east… it seems you've shut out everyone you cared about, who cares about you."

"No, you said his name. Why did you say that name? Who told you?"

"Elizabeth," Eva answered. "I guessed. Only… it wasn't a guess."

"I don't understand…"

"There is a reason I know his name and it isn't because someone told me..."

Elizabeth stared, waiting for an explanation. Eva suddenly had second thoughts. She couldn't do it. She couldn't say it out loud. She didn't have to because the girl's face widened with the dawning of understanding.

"No, please…" she whispered. "Please don't tell me that he… that he… you?"

Eva looked at the ground and nodded. She tried to speak, but couldn't. This was a mistake. She suddenly couldn't remember what she hoped to accomplish.

"Oh, Miss Beadle," Elizabeth cried. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my fault." She flew to her feet and started to pace frantically.

"It's not your fault, why would you even…"

"Yes, it is… I've prayed every day for a year that I would never find out this happened to someone else, you see… because then it would be my fault. Because I didn't tell… I didn't tell."

Eva swallowed hard. She wished she had thought this through.

"Pa was heartbroken. Ma cried for days. They both were afraid of what would happen to me, you know, if anyone found out. That's why I left. But that was a disaster." Elizabeth picked at the bark on tree violently. "I cried for days, I was so homesick. My aunt finally couldn't take it anymore and sent me back. I've been nothing but a burden…"

"I doubt your parents think you are a burden," Eva tried to sound consoling. "They love you and want what is best. I can't blame them… people don't try to be understanding. They gossip, they let their minds make up things and… they wanted to protect you, that's all."

"I don't care what people think, Miss Beadle. I know the truth. I don't want to lie my whole life because I'm afraid. I remember once that Rev. Alden said the devil is the father of lies… so lying is wrong. I love my ma and pa and I do what they want because I know they try to do their best, but… I knew the lies wouldn't do anything but more harm. And it did… to you. I should have spoken the truth. It wouldn't have happened if I had."

"I could never look at it the way you do. I am afraid. I'm terrified," Eva whispered sadly. "You're a lot stronger than me."

"No, I'm not… I…" Elizabeth stopped short. She quickly crouched behind the tree and stared down the hill. Eva followed eyes to a figure walking along the road and recognized him right away. Ian McLeod was a student when Elizabeth attended school. Elizabeth followed him until he was out of view.

"I… I come here everyday at this time because…" she whispered softly, unable to finish the thought. "He lives on the next farm but he doesn't even know I'm here. We were friends since we were babies. So I come here everyday and watch him walk home. It's the best part of my day."

"Why doesn't he know you're home?"

"Oh, I don't want him to know, because… well, before it happened, we talked about getting married. I lied to him when I left, and hurt him real bad. If he finds out I'm home and didn't tell him, it'd hurt him more." She slumped against the tree and started to cry. "Nothing has worked out like I thought it would, Miss Beadle. At first I thought I was protecting Ian and my parents… and, I guess, me. But everyone is hurting. In fact, it seems the only one I protected is Benjamin."

Dr. Baker's very own words, again. She was protecting him. She didn't understand how until now. Wasn't it more complicated for her? She carried a bigger burden than Elizabeth. She was a child. People would be more understanding, more sympathetic. They wouldn't be as kind to a grown woman who couldn't fight back, who couldn't protect herself. They would pity Elizabeth, but blame her. It was different. Why couldn't anyone understand?

"What are you going to do?" Elizabeth asked.

"I-I don't know," she answered.

"Well," she said, "God be with you, Miss Beadle. I hope to see you again, but if not… for whatever reason… God bless you."

Eva nodded. She stood up and turned to head home. Her burden was not lighter.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Eva wasn't sure if it was the chilly wind whistling over the up the hill or her thoughts that distracted her from noticing that she wasn't alone as she started her descent from the big hill.

"Good day, Miss Beadle," a voice hollered as she reached the crest. She snapped out of her thoughts and froze in place. Benjamin was climbing up the path toward her. Her first instinct was to run. The hill was steep and over grown. She wouldn't get far away fast enough.

"Stay away from me!" she screamed.

"Where's your gun?" he teased. She didn't bring it and somehow he knew. They stared at each other for a brief second, and then Eva turned to run. Elizabeth had to be warned. They needed to get away. She called the girl's name as she ran. Elizabeth was already standing and alert.

"We have to run!" Eva gasped, but as she reached out to grab her hand, she stumbled. Within seconds, Benjamin was standing over her. She scrambled over the ground to get away. Elizabeth helped her stand.

"Go away," Eva shouted. The quake in her voice betrayed her terror. She could barely get the words out.

"You ladies weren't talking about me, were you?" he ignored her words and slowly walked toward them. He spoke with the same eerie calm and had the same look in his eyes as he did that day in the school house.

Eva was determined to fight back this time. She searched the ground for anything she could use. She scooped up rocks and hurled them but he only laughed each time she missed. She desperately lifted a fallen branch and lifted it as a warning.

"Don't come closer!" The branch was heavy and she trembled as she held it over her head.

"Oh… why are you being so unfriendly after all we've been to each other," he teased. He didn't stop moving toward her. She wielded the club, but couldn't muster enough force. Benjamin grabbed it as it came toward him. Eva cried out as she held on. Benjamin turned his body to wrench it away and came back with a swing. The branch caught Eva on the side of the head and sent her reeling to the ground. He stood over her, but she didn't move.

"That didn't have to happen," he said with mock pity. He turned his face toward Elizabeth and smiled.

"I heard in town that you moved away, but you're back. Homesick?"

"Benjamin… she needs help. Please," she begged. "Please go get help."

"You didn't answer my question. Did you miss me?"

"Please! She's not moving. You really hurt her…"

"I'm not leaving. We need to catch up, Elizabeth. You've been gone a long time."

"NO!" she screamed, trying to bolt past him. He grabbed her as she ran past him and threw her back on the ground. She looked up in time to see him lift the branch above his head. She brought her hands up and braced for the blow.

Suddenly there was a loud crack in the air. Benjamin's face twisted, and then he fell to the ground. As Elizabeth scrambled away, she saw her mother standing with the shotgun still pointed where Benjamin had stood seconds before.

"I-I-I saw him… following Miss Beadle. I couldn't let him… I had to stop him," Mrs. Miller stammered. She let the gun drop to the ground. Her hands shook as she covered her mouth. "Oh, God…"

Elizabeth looked back at Benjamin, unnaturally slouched on the ground, still clinging to the branch. He didn't move. She didn't want to get closer to be sure. She didn't want to have to touch him at all. She quickly crawled to see if Eva was OK. There was a gash above her left eye. She was knocked out, but Elizabeth could feel her breathing.

"What are we going to do? We need to get your father…"

"We need to get Dr. Baker. Miss Beadle is bleeding where he hit her."

"But what about…" They were suddenly interrupted by the sound of someone running towards them. They saw Ian McLeod appear from the other side of the hill.

"Mrs. Miller! Are you alright? I heard the screaming and the gunshot. What happened," he panted. She didn't answer. He followed her stare. "Elizabeth?! What are you…"

"Oh, Ian… we need Dr. Baker quick! Miss Beadle is hurt real bad." Elizabeth stroked her teacher's hair gently. Tears ran down her face as she leaned over and whispered assurance that she'd be ok. Ian didn't move.

"Go! Quickly! Please, you have to hurry!" Ian took off slowly, staring at her until he reached the crest of the hill and then disappeared. Mrs. Miller joined her daughter on the ground.

"Elizabeth, I'll stay here… go find your father. He should be heading home from town about now… hurry. He's going to need to bring a wagon up the hill. Run!" Elizabeth instantly obeyed and climbed down the hill as fast as she could, running past her house and down the lane that headed toward the main road into town. She uttered a prayer of thanks when his wagon came around the bend in a matter of minutes. He pulled on the reins as soon as he saw her.

"What is it? What happened?"

"Oh, Pa… you've got to come quick. Something awful…" she couldn't finish. He reached down and hauled her into the wagon with a quick pull.

"Where is your ma?" He demanded.

"Up on the hill… we need a wagon," she managed between sobs.

"Is she alright? What is she doing up there?" He asked, panic rising in his voice.

"Oh, Pa… Benjamin Stevins is dead. Ma shot him." She could barely believe the words as she said them. With a crack of the reins, the horses ran the rest of the way home.

"Elizabeth, this wagon will never make it up there… you're going to have to hitch up the farm wagon and drive it up," he commanded as he jumped and ran toward the hill. Her hands trembled as she unhitched the horse and led it to the smaller farm wagon. She grabbed a pile of horse blankets from the barn, threw them in the wagon and urged the horse toward the hill. Everything seemed like a bad dream.

Dr. Baker sat in his office and read the letter again. He had sent a telegram to an old friend from medical college in Minneapolis and received a response.

_Dear Hiram,_

_ It was a delight to receive your letter and to learn that you are finally ready to leave country medicine and join me in the city. It also came quite providentially as the board of directors has given me the task of opening and staffing a small clinic that will open in the coming months. I cannot think of a person better suited for the job of Chief Physician than you. I look forward to hearing your answer as soon as possible._

_ Sincerely, Samuel Weber, MD_

He carefully folded the letter and placed it in his coat pocket. He tried to tell Eva about his plan earlier in the day, but never mustered the courage. She was angry and hurting. It wasn't the right time. He was starting to think there would never be the right time.

He was pulled away from his thoughts by the sound of a horse running toward his door. He stood quickly and shoved the letter into his vest pocket, grabbed his medical bag and coat and opened the door. Ian McLeod fell breathless into his arms.

"Dr. Baker," he gasped. "Out at the Miller's… come quick. There's been an accident."

"What kind of accident?"

"Benjamin Stevins has been shot… Miss Beadle's hurt real bad. Please hurry."

He could hardly believe what he was hearing. He had just seen her a few hours ago. He ran to his surrey and headed out of town as fast as he could get the horse to run. His mind raced, thinking of her, not knowing if she was dying. He clenched his jaw to keep the sick feeling from taking over.

As he flew into the Miller's yard, he saw Mr. Miller slowly leading his farm wagon off the bottom of the hill behind his house. He leaped out of his surrey and ran to find Eva in the cart, unconscious and bleeding from her head.

"What happened to her?" he demanded. He pressed his fingers to her neck searching for a pulse.

"Sh-she was hit in the head with a stick, they told me. I wasn't there, Dr. Baker, I don't know what happened. She hasn't come to… is she going to be alright."

"Help me get her inside… quickly!" The lifted her and carried her to into the house and gently placed her on a bed. Mrs. Miller and Elizabeth ran inside behind them, both with frantic looks on their faces. He barked orders for lamps and water and then turned his full attention toward the figure lying still on the bed. He checked her pulse and found it to be strong. He bent over to check her breathing, also normal. He inspected the wound on her head and though there was a lot of blood, it was not a deep wound. Everything else indicated to him that her skull had been spared injury. An audible sigh of relief escaped his lips as he cleaned and bandaged her head. There wasn't much he could do but wait for her to wake up and he had no idea how long that could be. He reached for her hand, folded it in both of his and held it for a long time.

He couldn't deny that he loved her. He wondered if he had loved her longer than he dared admit to himself. He closed his eyes and prayed for God to heal all her wounds, not just the physical ones. He placed her hand gently back by her side, knowing that it was only in her unconscious state that he could even be bold enough to show such affection.

"Dr. Baker?" Mr. Miller called to him quietly through the door. He rose to his feet and left the room. Ian had returned and joined the Millers around the table, waiting for his report.

"I think she is going to be fine, but I won't be sure until she wakes up. She shouldn't be moved."

"Of course, she'll stay here," Mrs. Miller said. She looked like she wanted to say more, but instead looked at her husband.

"Uh, Dr. Baker… I need you to come outside," he explained. He led the way, back to the wagon. Benjamin lay on his back with his feet hung over the back, too tall to fit in the cart. A horse blanket had been spread over his body. He forgot about Benjamin. He touched the body. It was clear that there was nothing he could have done; the boy was probably dead before anyone came to fetch him.

"My wife… she done it, Dr. Baker," Mr. Miller confessed. "But I'm ready to say I done it. If I had been there, it would have been me that done it, so I don't mind saying that's the way it happened if it will save my wife."

"I don't understand… what are you talking about?" Dr. Baker rubbed his head. It was all so confusing.

"Benjamin Stevins was a devil, doctor. He ruined my daughter. I don't know what he come back here for except to do it again. My wife shot him before he got that chance. I'm just sorry Miss Beadle got caught in it. I do hope she'll be all right. But I am not sorry he's dead."

Dr. Baker stared at the farmer as he listened to his explanation. It answered some questions, yet begged still many more. He looked at the twisted expression still on the dead boy's face, and then quickly covered it again.

"Mr. Miller, this is a very bad problem. This wasn't an accident. I'm not saying that I blame your wife for what she did. But there is going to be an investigation. A lot of questions will have to be answered. Is your family prepared to face it all?" Mr. Miller's face dropped.

"I am," Elizabeth said flatly. They were unaware that she stood back listening to everything they said. "Papa, I told you before… I don't care what people think. I don't want to lie anymore. It costs too many people too much."

"Elizabeth, why was Miss Beadle here?" the doctor asked.

"She came to talk to me. She, uh… she found out I was back and wanted to talk about my trip east, I guess. Benjamin was crazy and out of control. She tried to fight him, but…" her voice trailed off. She looked away. Dr. Baker knew she wasn't telling the whole truth.

The three of them stood in silence. The sun had finished setting and the pale purple sky gave them very little light.

"We should take the boy to his family, explain to them what happened. I'm not sure what will happen after that. I don't want to go, but as the doctor I must. Elizabeth, please stay with Miss Beadle. If her breathing changes or anything like that, you send Ian to fetch me." He nodded at her father and the two arranged a wagon to carry the body home.

Elizabeth went back inside and told her mother what was going to happen next. Her mother put her head down on the table and quiet started to cry. Elizabeth rushed to her side, soothed her and tried to comfort her as they cried together.

"Mother, it is going to be alright, you'll see. Please, don't cry. I'm sorry… this is all my fault."

Ian stood up, overwhelmed by what was happening, and still shocked to find that Elizabeth had returned home without telling him. He decided to quietly leave when Elizabeth said his name. He looked into her teary eyes as she begged him to stay. He sat back down and waited.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

"Ian, you must be hungry. Can I feed you something?" Mrs. Miller rose from her chair and wiped her chin with the back of her hand. "I have coffee all ready. There's some bread and some soup. It's not much and no trouble."

"No, ma'am, I'm not hungry at the moment, but thank you," he politely answered. She walked over to him and reached her hands up to hold his face.

"You're a good boy, Ian. I know your folks are mighty proud of you. Thank you for all your help to us today."

"I-I just wish someone would fill me in on what it is that did happen," he replied with a nervous smile. He glanced at Elizabeth and added, "But you should know I'd do anything for this family. I used to feel like I was part of this family… once."

Elizabeth felt her heart skip. His words weren't bitter. He was asking for answers, for truth. And she owed him the truth.

"I'm going to sit with Miss Beadle," she said. "Ian… would you sit with me?" He nodded, and followed her into the bedroom where their beloved teacher lay sleeping. Ian pulled a chair to the bed for her and leaned himself against the wall. She watched him move around the room and noticed that he was different. He seemed more like a man to her than a schoolboy. Suddenly the time spent apart seemed like a whole lifetime.

"You look different," she said to break the awkward silence. He turned his hands over in front of him and shrugged with a slight smile.

"Is that a good thing?"

"Oh, yes… I didn't mean anything. It's just… been a while." More awkward silence followed. She watched Miss Beadle sleep for a few minutes, and then took a deep breath.

"Ian… I've been trying so hard to find the best way to tell you everything so that you don't hate me, but I can't. When I told you I was going to school in Boston, I knew I hurt you. I made you so angry…"

"I wasn't angry," he interrupted. "I was confused. Elizabeth, we were talking about getting married! We were making plans for the future; all of those plans were about us… together. Suddenly this opportunity to go to school changed it all."

"I know," she agreed. "I made a mess of everything."

"If you wanted to go to school, Elizabeth, I would have let you go. I never wanted to keep you from doing things that you really wanted to do. But I needed to know that you were going to come back to me and you refused to talk about it. I thought you just didn't love me anymore, didn't want me. What happened, Elizabeth? I just… don't understand what happened?" Ian shifted from one foot to the other. Elizabeth could hear the pain in his voice and she couldn't bare to look at him.

"Ian, please listen to me. Benjamin... he, uh… he hurt me. He hurt me real bad, and uh… well, I was ashamed."

"He hurt you? What do you mean 'he hurt you'?" Ian asked. Elizabeth couldn't answer. She just looked up at him tearfully. His body slumped and he held his head in disbelief. He understood. How could he be so dense?

"Pa wanted to protect me, so he thought I should go away. I didn't want to go, but everything was so awful… he was in so much pain and Ma cried all the time, all because of me. I blamed myself and I just wanted to make things easy for them. So I agreed to go. I couldn't tell you the truth because… I was so afraid…" she couldn't speak. She was still afraid.

"Afraid? Of me?"

"I was afraid that I would tell you and you would hate me… that you would just… be so disappointed. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear the thought that you would forever look at me with pity… or disgust. It would have killed me, Ian. Please try to understand that I always loved you. But I didn't think I could ever be a wife to you. I wanted you to be happy and... I don't know if I could ever make you happy, Ian," she whispered.

She heard him move. He turned is back to her and stared out the window. Tears filled his eyes. He didn't want her to see them.

"I don't blame you," she said. "I hurt you so much. When I came back, I couldn't bring myself to see you because the damage was already done. If you knew I was home, I thought it would just make the pain worse. But I never stopped loving you, Ian." She stood up and moved closer to him. He still wouldn't turn to look at her. "So… this brings us to what happened today."

"Miss Beadle wanted to talk to me and Ma told her where I was. But then she saw Benjamin following Miss Beadle up the hill and was afraid that he was going to do something so she followed him with the shotgun. She got there just in time; Miss Beadle tried to fight him but he is just so big… he hit her on the head and then was going to hit me but Ma stopped him. It all happened so fast, I'm still not sure I'm not just having a bad dream… Ian, I think he was going to kill me." Her voice cracked. She swallowed hard and tried to collect her emotions. "So… now you know what happened. You deserve the truth. I don't know if you can forgive me…"

Ian turned and looked at her. He was ashamed that he wasn't as strong as she needed him to be. He was ashamed of all the horrible thoughts he harbored when she left. He couldn't hate her for what happened to her.

"Elizabeth, there is nothing for me to forgive. I could never blame you for what happened. If anything, I need you to forgive me," he reached out and took her hand gently in his. "I should have made it so clear from the very beginning that my love for you is forever. Nothing could make it go away, not even for a day. Not what Benjamin did to you… nothing! If I was a better man, Elizabeth, there never would have been any doubt about any of that. You would have known how it has always been you for me, ever since we were little. You have always been_ my_ Elizabeth, always will be. Please let me try to be better a man now... tell me you forgive me and that you love me too." Elizabeth wept as she fell into his embrace.

"I do," she said, over and over and over. They held each other for a long time, crying only tears of happiness. Ian finally released her so that he could kiss her.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Dr. Baker rode next to Mr. Miller in silence. The Stevins' farm was a couple miles heading away from town. He was thankful their route took them away from any traffic coming and going. He could feel the nervous tension wracking the poor man, growing as they got closer to their destination.

"I think that when we get there, you should just stay in the wagon and let me do the explaining," he offered, both to break the silence and to ease the farmer's mind, who only nodded in response.

They pulled up to the farmhouse as the door opened and Benjamin's father stepped out to meet them.

"Evenin'," he said slowly. Mr. Stevins was known to be a somber man. "What brings you folks out?"

Dr. Baker climbed down out of the wagon slowly and took a deep breath. He approached the man and suggested that his wife be present for some bad news. Moments later, Mr. Miller watched as the couple turned toward him while listening to everything the doctor had to tell them. A wail escaped from the grieving mother. She held on to her husband who put little effort in comforting her. He took off his hat and walked slowly toward the wagon. Mr. Miller waited for him to say something to him, but the father only walked to the back of the wagon and lifted the blanket to see the body.

He stared at his son for less than a minute, nodded his head and then slowly turned toward Mr. Miller, who desperately wished he could be anywhere else. He could only imagine what this man wanted to say to him.

"Mr. Miller, I need to go and get my other son to help me. I'm sorry that…" he paused and cleared his throat. "I mean, it may be a couple minutes if you'd be patient enough to wait." Mr. Miller nodded and looked away. He was ready to defend his wife's actions to this man but in the end he didn't have to say a word.

As the farmer disappeared into his house, Dr. Baker helped the mother to the back of the wagon. She reached out and touched her son's shoulder, repeating his name. She turned and looked at Mr. Miller, not with anger but sadness and pity.

"Mr. Miller," she said softly, "Benjamin was my son… and I loved him. But I was not blind to his nature. He was a hard boy to take in hand… so big and strong. I pleaded with him to be a good boy, but he never cared about anyone but himself. I can only imagine the pain he brought to your family and I'm sorry for that. His father and I always had a feeling that he would come to this end."

Dr. Baker stared at Mr. Miller and shared his disbelief. He was braced for anything but calm and peaceful resolution. He didn't know what to say. The old woman turned to him.

"What is going to happen, doctor? To the Millers, I mean," she asked.

"Well… I'm not really sure. I'll have to fill out a death certificate and send it to St. Paul. I'll have to tell the cause of death, and… well, I'm not sure what will happen after that. I imagine some kind of investigation," he stated, uncertain if he was telling the truth. So many people expect doctors to have all the answers to everything.

"But, if you put down that it was an accident… would that mean no investigation?" the woman asked.

"I-I… well, I reckon that would be the case," he answered. "It would be untrue, Mrs. Stevins. You do understand that." He thought he would have to repeat the facts of the incident to her again, but she shook her head.

"No, I understand, but… please, Dr. Baker," she begged. "Benjamin caused both families a lot of pain in his life. Let's not have more pain in his death. Please say it was an accident. I don't ask for me; I ask for Mrs. Miller, that poor woman."

"I see," he said quietly. He looked at the broken farmer sitting in the wagon. He seemed to be slowly coming apart at the thought of such mercy. "I think that we should just… bury the dead and not worry about the death certificate, huh?" She smiled and nodded. She reached her hand up to Mr. Miller who took it with great hesitation, still shocked at this mother's forgiving offer.

"Thank you, Mrs. Stevins," he managed. "God bless you." She let go and nodded her goodbye. She disappeared into her home only moments before her husband and eldest son emerged to carry the body inside. No one spoke a word and once the farmhouse door closed, Dr. Baker climbed back into the wagon and gave the farmer a soft slap on the back.

"I don't know about you, but people never cease to amaze me. I think we should go back to your place and let your wife and daughter know that this is all over." The farmer let out an emotional sigh, uttered praise to Heaven, and then shook the reins.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

By midnight, the Miller house was quiet. Ian reluctantly left Elizabeth to return home as everyone admitted that the day's events had finally caught up. They said good night to the doctor who sat by his patient with no intention of leaving. He wanted to be there when she awoke. He wanted to tell her about Benjamin. He wanted to tell her everything.

He took her hand in his once again, thinking in wonderment of all that happened. Elizabeth and her mother were humbly overjoyed with the news they brought back from the Stevins. Mr. Miller positively revived at the sight of his daughter, the picture of wholeness and peace, in the arms of Ian McLeod. Happy endings were in abundance. He only hoped for one more.

He prayed that the Benjamin's death would at the very least give her respite from her fear, but he knew it was a large thing to ask of someone whose spirit was shattered into a million pieces. He prayed that Eva could believe that she deserved the happiness that Elizabeth was able to find again. It would take a lot of convincing. Eva had an extra burden to bear that no one else but he knew.

He felt her hand squeeze his. She was moving and trying to speak, but he saw that she was not yet awake. He was witnessing one of the nightmares that came to her every night. It was like she was running and screaming. She finally called out and then opened her eyes. She was panting as she scanned the room. She tried to sit up, but was instantly overwhelmed by pain.

"Eva," Dr. Baker whispered. "It's alright… It's only me. You're safe."

"Where..?" she asked. Her throat was dry and raspy. Dr. Baker poured a glass of water and offered it to her. She took it and drank slowly.

"We're at the Miller's house."

"Oh," was all she managed to say. She reached up and felt the bandage above her left eye. She mumbled sleepily.

"You got hit on the head," he explained. "Do you remember?" She shook her head. She tried again to sit up and then pointed to the glass of water. He helped her drink some more. She winced as she pulled herself up to sit. She drank the entire glass.

"I'm so thirsty," she complained. "My head hurts." She took another look around and then tried to focus her eyes on the doctor. "I don't understand…"

"You're at the Miller's. Do you remember coming here yesterday?"

"Yesterday? Um… yes. I came to talk to Elizabeth," she said, closing her eyes, trying to remember. Suddenly her eyes flew open and she grabbed his arm. "Is she ok?"

"Yes," he smiled at her visible relief. "Elizabeth is definitely ok."

"Hiram," she said softly. "I want to tell you… it was Benjamin…"

"I know," he interrupted. "He came after you. He's the one who hit you. Do you remember that?" She didn't know how he knew, but was glad she didn't have to explain it to him.

"Not really. I don't' really remember anything. It hurts my head to think right now," she touched the bandage once more. He thought about the letter in his pocket. Was it the right time?

"I can give you some powder for the headache so you can go back to sleep. I'm going to stay here, Eva," he soothed. "There is a lot I need to tell you when you are feeling better."

"Tell me now, "she ordered. "I'm not that eager to go back to sleep."

"Are you sure?" he asked. Nightmares, he thought. She was still afraid. She nodded and waited for him to go on.

"I guess the first thing I should tell you is that Benjamin is dead," he stated as a matter of fact. He waited for it to register before he continued, but she showed no reaction to the news. "After he hit you, he went after Elizabeth but her mother stopped him. Apparently, while he was following you, she followed him… with a shotgun."

"Wow," she finally managed to say.

"Right," he said. "So, you see… that part of your nightmare is over. You don't have to be afraid of him anymore."

"Yes," she was lost in thought. "I should be relieved, shouldn't I?"

"Well," he offered slowly. "I don't think anyone can tell you how you should feel about that. I would hope you feel relief."

"I guess I do, but…" she didn't finish. She absently touched her belly. Of course, he thought. She will never be rid of him. He observed her face. She was distracted and in shock. "I'm not sure how to feel about anything anymore. I feel angry when I should feel gratitude. I feel afraid when I should feel relief. I feel empty when there is life… growing inside me. None of this is natural. I don't know who I am anymore. Maybe if I had been a stronger woman before any of this happened all this would be sorted out by now. I'm starting to think I was an incredibly foolish person."

"I wish you wouldn't say things like that," he replied with an edge in his voice.

"I've been trying to remember what my life was like before," she continued, ignoring his words. "I had a calling and a home in a town that I loved, that needed me. But then it was taken away in a shattering moment and now it seems like it was never mine, like it belonged to another woman. He stole my past from me. And then… I try to think of the future and I can't see it. It's as if I'm trying to look out a window and there is nothing but a thick fog rolling toward me. I can't imagine my life tomorrow, or the next day… or next year. He stole my hope. All I'm left with is this… painful shame that is now, right now."

"The problem is not who you were, Eva. The problem is that you haven't accepted that what happened to you was not your fault. Not a single moment of it. You didn't ask for it to happen and you certainly didn't allow it to happen. Please, in God's name, get it through your head that you are not guilty of anything!"

She knew he had said those words to her before, but she finally allowed them to wash over her like a balm. She nodded, and then started to weep. Lightness settled in her body as if a burden had been lifted. She took a deep sigh and smiled at him.

"Thank you, Hiram," she whispered. She saw that tears had started to fill his eyes, too. "I don't understand why you care so much when I have done nothing but throw your kindness back at you. You're a special kind of person and I'm so glad that you are my friend."

His face grew serious. He stood up and paced around the room, trying to muster the courage to say everything in his heart. She followed him silently, waiting for him to speak. Something is bothering him, she thought. She braced herself.

"Eva," he started. "I want to tell you something, but first I need you to know that I've thought about this through and through." He sat back down and leaned toward her. "I have a letter here… it's from an old friend from medical college. He's offered me a position in Minneapolis as head physician in a clinic… I plan to accept it."

"You mean… you are going to leave Walnut Grove?" she ask incredulously.

"Yes, well… I had this idea, you see, and…" he suddenly realized he was about to sound like a raving idiot. "Oh, I don't even know how to start…"

"Just tell me," she encouraged. He saw her patiently waiting for him to go on. He took a deep breath.

"Marry me."

"What?"

"Eva," he sighed. "I know I'm doing this all wrong. But… I'm not a young man. I gave up the idea that I would ever marry or have children of my own a long, long time ago. And I realize that I'm probably making the biggest fool of myself right now, but… I care a lot about you. I don't know what kind of husband and father I would be, but I know I want to try to be a good one for you." He stopped himself. He could tell by the look on her face that he sounded insane.

"Look, I know I sound pathetic. Ever since that day you came to my office and told me everything, I've been overcome with an indescribable grief. I've known you a long time… and I've always admired the kind of woman you are… smart, beautiful, contented and good. But you were hurting and the desire to make it stop hurting consumed me. I didn't know what it was, this need to make you happy again. I realized I could give you a fresh start, restore a sense of honor where it had been so wrongly taken from you… and then it all made sense to me. I realized… Eva, what I mean is that I love you. I'm not trying to be noble. If anything, I'm being a selfish man."

"Oh, Hiram," she answered sadly. "I am overwhelmed by your intentions. You're right; we have known each other a long time. I know you better than most people and I know that you are not a selfish man. But I cannot possibly let you give up everything you have for me. Never in a hundred years could I possibly accept your offer to marry you. What you feel for me is not love, Hiram. It's pity."

"No, you're wrong. Believe me; I tried to tell myself that I'm too old to be in love. I honestly denied it for a long time but it was no use. I think about you every minute of every day, and when I heard there was an accident yesterday and you were hurt, I was so afraid of losing you. I know I love you, Eva."

"Oh," she cried, reaching for his face to wipe the tears that streamed down his face. "How can you say you love me? No one can love me… it would be a huge mistake to try."

"I've been carrying this letter around for days, Eva! I've tried talking myself out of it, worried about my pride, about losing the friendship we've had until now. But it all came down to how it would be a big mistake not to try. Please… just stop thinking that you can't be loved and just… let me love you!"

"But I can't love you back," she exclaimed. "I could never be the wife you deserve. You're asking me to take from you every day knowing that I can never give back in return. I could never live with myself if I did that to you of all people, letting you give up everything just for me."

"Don't you see? You would be giving me something I never thought possible, Eva. You'll be giving me a family, a child to call mine. You'd be letting me give you and this child my name. I can't think of anything that would make me more proud. Please, I'll beg you if I must. You're worth so much more than I have right now." He stopped talking and stood up. After a long silence, his shoulders dropped. He made a huge mess of everything. She wasn't convinced and now he would lose her forever.

"I've run out of words," he said softly. "I've failed to make you see how precious you are."

"Oh, please," she begged. "I can't stand to hurt you. But I'm not a whole person and I'm sure that you would resent me in time. Marriage is hard even in the best of circumstances. We'd be starting with so much going against us, all of it because of me. How could I do that to you?"

"I don't expect this to make everything better. I know that the kind of pain you have could take a lifetime to heal, if it heals at all. I don't know what lies ahead. I just know that there is something I can do for you right now. All I ask if that you consider letting me do it for you. Know this, that if you accept me, I'd be the happiest and proudest man in the world."

"I'm the one who should be proud, Hiram. I just don't think…"

"I know you don't love me like I love you," he interjected with a heavy heart. "I do know that. Just… don't give me a final answer until you've thought about it a little more. If you want to spare me total humiliation, at least do that for me."

She nodded. He was right; it was the least she could do for him after everything he said. Her head was throbbing and she just wanted the world to stop.

"Hiram, I'm sorry…" she said, but the door was closing behind him and she was sure he didn't hear it. She felt hot tears hit the pillow as sleep started to overtake her. She couldn't help but think that it didn't matter if she refused or accepted; either way she would end up hurting him.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

The morning brought a flurry of visitors to the Miller's farm once news of the "accident" spread throughout the town. If anyone knew the true account of events, no one let on. Neighbors and friends expressed their sympathy for Eva's injury, but the most popular topic was the news that there was going to be a wedding; when Ian returned the next morning, he asked Elizabeth in front of everyone. Mr. and Mrs. Miller could barely contain their happiness as they gave their blessing. Eva smiled as she saw the two young people share their news with each visitor that called that day, but it was bittersweet. She saw Dr. Baker excuse himself from the house each time talk of weddings and marriage came up. His excuse of exhaustion fooled everyone but her.

By mid-morning she had convinced her hosts and the good doctor that she was well enough to return to her own home. She thanked them for their kindness and congratulated the young couple once more before asking Mr. Miller to drive her back into town.

"I'm going back to town. It only makes sense that you ride with me, Miss Beadle," Dr. Baker offered. His tone was somber and his offer more than practical. She couldn't refuse. He helped her into his surrey and they rode away in silence.

"So many people fussed over me," she said to finally break the awkward silence. "I really do feel fine. It must be this hideous bandage."

"People make a fuss when they care," he explained with a twinge of sadness. She couldn't help but take what he said as an expression of his pain. She decided that silence was easier to bear and said no more. When they arrived at the boarding house, they were met with more fuss.

"Oh, my dear girl, what have you been up to?" Mrs. Foster exclaimed, shaking her head. "You look like you've been in a battle. Other residents made a point to welcome her home, including , who said he knew she was a scrapper. She blushed.

"It's only a cut," she insisted lightheartedly. "I can't seem to keep my face out of trouble."

She turned to thank Dr. Baker for everything, hoping to see any sign that he would survive the rejection she dealt to him the night before, but she could only watch his surrey as it turned a bend in the road and disappeared. Her heart sank. She wanted him to understand that she was thankful for what he was willing to do for her, but there was just no way she could allow it.

Eva was ordered to rest by her landlady but she was unable to obey. As she had confessed to the doctor that she couldn't picture her own future, she now couldn't think of anything else. He had given her so much to imagine. She had to admit that what he offered was a solution to all her biggest fears; a new place to start over, a home and means to provide for her. He even thought about the needs of the child growing day by day inside of her, a reality she herself had neglected because it was too painful. He didn't just offer an escape from her tragic circumstance. It was also the restoration of her honor. He offered her redemption.

No matter how many reasons she could list to accept his offer, she always came back to the fact that she was in no moral position to ask him to give up so much for her who could repay with so little. He honestly believes he loves me, she thought. But how can he? Who could love someone like me, in my condition? He says he only wants to love me, but eventually he will have expectations of a wife that I'm sure I could never fulfill.

She knew she had to make him understand her viewpoint. He had to understand that he was the most wonderful kind of person in the world to want to marry her. But he also had to understand that her life was poison. She couldn't drag him into the misery she was sure was her own destiny. She tossed every detail around until a headache finally forced her to get into bed and sleep. She swore to herself that she would go to him as soon as possible, make him understand. She prayed that he would and that someday he would also forgive her. She hoped her new resolve to sort out her life would give him comfort, even if he couldn't be a part of it.

As sleep started to seep into her mind and body, heaviness claimed her heart. Why couldn't she just love him back? Maybe I do love him, she thought, but the answer to that was 'impossible.' You can't love anyone. You don't deserve to love anyone as good and kind…

The following day, Eva discovered that her courage to set things aright with Dr. Baker waned with each passing hour. She watched out the window to see if he was coming to visit, perhaps check her forehead. She wished he would, but he never did. She didn't blame him and it only made her more afraid to face him.

By nightfall, she had failed to do the one thing she intended to do. Perhaps I should respect that he wants to stay away, she said to herself. It was another excuse to avoid a conversation that she rehearsed over and over in her mind. Hiram, she practiced to herself. You don't love me, you feel sorry for me. I don't think it would be right and in time you'll come to see it that way as well.

The next day, Eva dressed herself and noticed that her body was finally changing. She could still get her skirt to fit and she was sure that no one could tell her secret, but it was a shock she wasn't prepared to handle. She was contemplating the more extreme ways her body would change in weeks ahead as she entered the dining room for breakfast. Food was starting to appeal to her again. In fact, she was hungrier than she had ever been. How many times had she heard expectant mothers talk about 'eating for two'? She suddenly realized she knew nothing about pregnancy or giving birth. One fear is taken away, a new one takes its place, she mused.

Caroline Ingalls dropped by to visit later that day. Eva was glad to have the opportunity to mend their friendship. Caroline had tried to reach out to her in her darkest hour and she had done nothing but fight her. She needed a confidant to help her navigate through this confusing new experience she could no longer ignore, unwanted as it was.

"When I was expecting Mary," Caroline confided. "I was so scared. I think I cried the entire time. My mother told me that was natural, but I was really so afraid. I didn't know what to expect and all she could say was how it was a beautiful part of life. Beautiful? I don't know if I finally understood what she was talking about until Carrie was born!" She laughed.

"That is not very comforting," Eva moaned.

"I'm sorry," Caroline apologized. "I know you're scared. I can't imagine what you're going through. But I will tell you something my mother did tell me that gave me comfort. A woman's body is designed for this. As far as that baby and your body know, this is supposed to happen just this way." Eva nodded and offered a small smile.

"Oh! I didn't realize the time!" Caroline said as she stood up to leave. "I'm supposed to meet Charles and then go meet the stage… I mean, uh… oh, I wasn't going to say anything…"

"Say what?"

"Oh… well, I wasn't going to tell you that the new schoolteacher is arriving today. She is going to stay with us until she can find accommodations that suit her better. I didn't want to upset you."

"I see," Eva replied, trying to hide her disappointment. "I suppose it was going to have to happen soon, right? I certainly didn't give the school board much choice."

"I know this is a huge favor," Caroline asked cautiously. "But could I bring her here to meet you? I'm sure she would like as much advice about teaching at our school as you can give. If it would be too awkward…"

"No," Eva interrupted. "I think I would like to meet her. Please do that."

"I will," Caroline smiled. "So much is happening in our town! People coming, people going. It is sad and exciting at the same time."

"Who's going?" Eva asked.

"I thought for sure you knew," Caroline answered with surprise. "Doctor Baker is leaving us. Sunday will be his last day. We're going to have a welcome party for the new teacher and a good bye party for him after church. Didn't anyone tell you? It is all anyone can seem to talk about."

"No," Eva replied, a lump growing in her throat. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. It didn't make sense. He didn't have to go. He loved Walnut Grove. As soon as the door closed behind her friend, Eva decided it was time to pay a visit to the doctor whether either of them liked it or not.

Eva practically ran to Dr. Baker's office to confront him. She opened to find a small crowd had gathered. They were excitedly asking him about his new position, confessing their sorrow at losing such a fine doctor to a big city.

"I guess we could be proud to say you were our doctor first!" one man offered as he good naturedly slapped the doctor on the back. Dr. Baker smiled his appreciation at the kind words when he saw Eva standing in the door way, flushed and slightly bewildered. She found out, he thought to himself. He had hoped to leave before word got to her, but the town insisted on a goodbye party and he didn't have the heart to deny his friends.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he interrupted the conversation. "I am still the doctor of this town and it appears I have a patient waiting. So, if you'll excuse me…" He held the door open and gave Eva an uneasy nod as she moved to let the people depart. Without saying anything, he gestured toward a chair and closed the door behind her.

"Can I offer you some tea?" he said, acting as normal as he could muster.

"Why are you leaving?" she blurted, ignoring his hospitality.

"I told you," he sighed. "I was offered a position in Minneapolis."

"That isn't what I'm asking you and you know it! Tell me why you are leaving!" she demanded, emotion rising in her throat.

"I have to go," he answered softly. "I need to get away."

"But this is your home! All your friends are here! They need you… I thought that since I…"

"You thought," he interrupted sharply. "That since I didn't have to marry you that I'd just go on with my life as if nothing happened."

"Hiram, please…" she pleaded. "The last thing I wanted was to hurt you. You don't have to go. It doesn't make any sense!"

"Eva," he softened. "When I told you how I feel about you, I made a total fool of myself. It made me realize that I'm the worst kind of fool… an old one. I'm getting too old to race through the night to deliver babies that don't have the courtesy to wait for me to get there. I've treated as many animals as I have human beings, probably bitten by as many, too. I can't stay here. And I think I can tend my own wounds better someplace else. It's time for me to move on. It's for the best."

"No, isn't for the best! Hiram, you don't love me! You think you do but you only feel sorry for me. How long can that last? Sooner or later you'll stop feeling sorry for me and then what? Then all this leaving would be a huge mistake. I beg you, don't go."

"You're wrong," he said, sadly. "I don't feel sorry for you. That isn't what I feel. I love you."

"Well, stop it!" she yelled at him through tears. "I never asked you to love me! I can never ask a man to love me. I'm not worth it, not now! I don't think I'll ever be worth it. Why couldn't you just leave me alone and spare me the added burden of knowing you are leaving your home because I can't have the good sense to love you back!"

"You are worth it," he whispered. "You are a woman of tremendous worth, Eva. You are precious and good and beautiful. But you're right. I can't make you love me. Not when you can't even love yourself."

"There you go again, saying all those pretty words about me. It's like you're mocking me…and I can't take it anymore!" she shot back at him angrily. She was tired of hearing him praise her worth when she felt the way she did. She bolted from the chair, flung the door open and fled before he could see her total emotional collapse.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

For the rest of the day and most of the night, Eva was restless in mind and body. Dr. Baker was ever present in her thoughts, which frustrated her to no end. One minute she would tell herself that he was a grown man capable of making his own mistakes and living with them; the next she would berate herself for being the cause of everything going wrong.

The next day was no better. She felt cooped up and took off on a walk. Autumn was ready to turn to winter, but sun warmed her face as she wandered down the road toward town. She didn't have a clue where she was going, but she didn't care. It felt good to breathe the fresh air and work the muscles in her tense body.

Before she knew it, she was standing at the door of the school. She listened for the sound of anyone inside, but it was empty. She turned the door handle to discover it wasn't locked. Someone forgot, she thought as she snuck inside. It was dark and cold. The building hadn't been used for anything other than church since she stopped teaching. She recalled how she would devote one day of school in late fall to prepare for winter; older boys would chop wood while the younger children would stack it by the back door. When the work was finished, she treated them all to hot cider and cookies that Mrs. Foster helped her bake. That day never happened this year and the pile near the door was sparse.

It felt like forever since she stood at the front of the room instructing her classes. She pictured the children hunched over their books, each one of them. She was going to miss teaching. She opened her desk to find a few personal items that she had forgotten were there. The school register and her grade book were stacked neatly at the bottom. She found a fountain pen her mother and father had given to her when she graduated from school. It was old and the tip was frayed beyond use, but she kept it anyway. She lifted up a compact mirror she had kept in her desk for pure vanity.

A renewed sorrow came over her. She had devoted her life to teaching. It was a noble calling and she knew she was good at it. It made her feel needed. Hiram was needed, too. She didn't have a choice, but he did. She sat down at her old desk and held her head in her hands.

_God, I don't know what I'm going to do. I drove Hiram away from a town that needs him so much… how can I live with that? How can I accept his love when I am not sure I even know what love is anymore? Everything that took him a lifetime to gather for himself, wasted… because of me. Am I supposed to be moved? Impressed? All it does is add to the guilt that is slowly choking my spirit. Love is supposed to set you free… help me._

She stood up to leave when the sound of the door opening froze her in place. She felt the wind whip around the room. A sudden feeling of dread came over her. It was too familiar. She tried to bolt for the back door but she couldn't seem to move her feet.

"I guess someone forgot to lock it before they left," a familiar voice chimed. Eva's knees gave out in relief and she quickly reached for her chair before she fell to the floor. "That happens… Oh!"

"Mrs. Ingalls, I-I don't mind telling you that you nearly scared me to death," Eva said breathlessly.

"I should say I did! You look like you are about to faint! We didn't know anyone was here, but maybe we should have guessed. I'm so sorry," Caroline apologized.

"No, I'm just… jumpy," Eva tried to joke. Her heart still hadn't stopped racing and she had no faith that her legs were ready to hold her up. "I was just looking through the desk… I left some things behind. You couldn't expect that I was here."

"Well, that's perfectly legitimate. I am glad we found you, though. Miss Eva Beadle, I'd like to introduce you to Miss Marianna Sanders. She's the new school teacher I told you about yesterday. I was just showing her around." Eva nodded and slowly smiled at the young girl standing before her.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Miss Sanders. Marianna is a very pretty name," Eva said politely.

"It was a bit of a mouthful growing up. Most everyone calls me 'Mare'," she answered. Eva nodded and smiled again. She pointed to the front row bench, inviting the women to sit with her.

"Is this going to be your first school?" she asked.

"Oh, yes. I graduated from Teacher's College just last spring, at the top of my class, in fact. I'll admit that I'm a little nervous but mostly excited. I've wanted to be a teacher my whole life."

"Top of the class? That's quite impressive. I would have thought the top student would have received employment by now."

"Yes, I did receive an offer but I had to turn it down. My mother had a baby a couple months ago and she really needed my help at home. I thought I was going to have to wait a year to find a job, so you can imagine how thankful I am that this position was open now." Mare's words were quick. Eva gave Caroline a smile of approval. "Oh… I know I talk too much. It is a really bad habit but I really can't help myself, especially when I'm nervous."

"Don't be nervous. I understand what it's like. So, your mother had a baby? She must have started quite young when you were born," Eva commented. She didn't know why she pried, but she didn't stop herself.

"She's my stepmother, really. My own mother died when my sister was born. It's an interesting story, and…" Mare stopped herself and blushed. "There I go again."

"Go on," Caroline encouraged. "We'd love to hear it."

"Well, there was my Pa, all alone with two little babies. I remember it was hard for him. He didn't know what to do with us girls. A couple years later, my mother's cousin became a widow rather young and she was trying to make it on the frontier with two young'uns of her own. So some of the relatives told them they should get married, and well… they thought it was a practical solution so they did."

"They… got married? Because it was practical?" Eva asked in amazement.

"Sure. It happens a lot. The isolation is really bad where I come from and well, she never would have made it without us and we definitely needed her, so… there you have it. My father had a saying about it; 'sometimes things turn instead of turn out'. He never expected to be without my mother, but there he was. I know he loved her and missed her, but he had to think about us and what we needed."

Eva couldn't speak. Every word made her dizzy.

"So… they must have learned to love each other, right? I mean, they just had a baby…" Eva managed to ask.

"My goodness, I should say so!" the girl laughed. "This was the fourth one!"

Caroline tried to cover her laugh, but she couldn't. Eva laughed so she didn't cry. She wanted to tell the girl how much she appreciated the story, but couldn't get the words to form in her mind and both of them would have thought she was insane anyway. Instead, she reached into the desk and pulled out the books. She stood up and walked to the new teacher and proudly handed the register and grade book to her. The girl received them with awe and humble appreciation.

"You should have this as well," Eva said, choking back the emotion rising in her throat. "Every teacher needs one." She took the timepiece from around her neck and placed it gently on Mare, who stared at it with joy.

"Thank you, Miss Beadle. I don't know what to say. For once I'm speechless!"

"Say you'll do your best and love these children like they were your own."

"Oh, I will," the young woman promised. She stood and hugged Eva. "The Ingalls have been telling me what a special person you are ever since I came, and I must say that they did not lie. I'm so glad I had a chance to meet you." Eva simply nodded.

"I need to be going," Eva finally said. "I think I have everything I came here for… more actually. Mare, you are going to love Walnut Grove. Caroline knows where I am if you have any more questions, but I'm more than confident that you will do a great job here." She quickly made her way to the door and down the steps. She finally let the tears flow. She knew her time in Walnut Grove was running out.

Time was running out in more ways than one. After the party tomorrow, she thought, he'll be gone for good.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

Eva was distracted throughout the church service. As she expected, it was a full congregation as many came to say goodbye to their beloved town doctor. Everyone was sad and for once she didn't feel the need to put on a false front. Still, she tried hard to listen to the sermon. If she let her mind wander too much, she feared she would start to cry again.

"_The text of my sermon today_," the reverend began. "_Is found in John's first letter, chapter one, verse fourteen: __**There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear, because fear hath torment**__…" My brethren, we do not love each other as we ought. Why is that? The Bible tells us that it is because we fear…_"

Eva could feel the heat in her face rising at the words; I do not love him as I ought… because I'm afraid.

"_What do we fear, exactly? Do we fear that we'll be hurt? Maybe we have already been hurt and we don't want to hurt again…_"

Yes, Eva closed her eyes as the words gripped her heart. I don't want to hurt again. I don't want to hurt him again.

"_There is only one thing that can rid us of this fear… perfect love. God tells us that He loves us with a perfect love. Do we believe that? We say we believe it, but we still fear that the trials of this life will consume us. We say we believe it, but in our hearts we fear that we are not truly worthy of love…_"

Worthy, she thought. He said I was worth more than all that he had… and he's giving it all up because of me.

"_Brethren, I say to you that if God loves us and His love is perfect, then by that very fact you are lovable. I say to you, 'Believe. Believe and love one another'."_

I wish it was as easy as that, she told herself. The service ended before her mind could reconcile everything the reverend preached. She looked at the crowd that gathered around Dr. Baker, waiting to say goodbye. Mare Sanders had a crowd of children around her, too. They recognized the timepiece around her neck. Mare nodded and pointed to her with a smile. She didn't have to worry about the school; Mare was going to be a great teacher.

With each passing minute, Eva was sure she would never get the chance to talk to him alone. She was starting to doubt that she should. Why would he give her another chance after the terrible things she said the last time they were together? As she watched him from across the room, tears threatened to fall once again. Could she love him enough? Could she believe him when he said he loved her despite everything that happened to her… was happening to her? She wiped her eyes, looked up and saw him watching her back.

Dr. Baker lost track of how many times he shook hands with someone as they wished him well and said goodbye. He had said goodbye to them all before the party as he made his final rounds throughout the week, many more than once. They had so many wonderful things to say about him that it was starting to be embarrassing. More than that, none of those things came from the one person he wanted to hear it from the most. He just wanted this to be over so he could get to Mankato and catch the first northbound train.

He was aware of Eva's presence, but he avoided looking at her. He winced as he thought about their last conversation. He made such a mess of things. He finally looked up to find her across the room lost in thought. A second later she met his eyes. He could tell she was trying not to cry. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but she turned away and headed straight for the door instead.

"Ladies and gentlemen… friends," he called over the din of the crowded room. "I would like to say a very few words before I part. Walnut Grove has been my home for a long time. When I look at all your faces, I can recall a moment with each of you… some sad, some happy. I don't need to say that the happy times are my favorite. I'll remember you all fondly and I hope to see you again this side of heaven." He smiled at his friends and started to feel his throat choke. "I'm going to leave now, but I urge you all to stay and enjoy this time together, meet the new teacher… I would just like to slip away quietly, ease the pain of saying goodbye." With a teary nod, he bid farewell and headed out.

The town applauded his speech and allowed him to slip through the crowd and out the door. As he stepped into the cold outside, he searched for her. She was gone. He waited too long to find her and she got away from him.

He looked at the town once more. He knew each building and each road. He was going to miss it. Things would be very different in the city, but different is fine when you're starting over. Different can take your mind off what is left behind.

As he approached the small bridge that led the way out of town, he saw her waiting for him. He made his way to her slowly. They looked at each other for a long time before he finally spoke.

"Eva," he said softly. "I don't want what happened the other day to be the last things we say to each other. I've been so selfish about everything. I never once stopped to think how it was going to make things harder for you. It was never my intention to hurt you and that is exactly what I did. Please forgive me."

"No, I can't. There is nothing to forgive. I'm the one who was wrong about everything." Eva wiped the tears that she couldn't stop from falling. "You are the last person I would ever blame for hurting me."

Hiram gave her a slight smile, glad that they would remain friends at least. She took a deep breath and smiled back. They continued to walk together slowly.

"I-I've been thinking about something," she continued, looking at the ground, her hands clasped tightly together to keep from shaking and her voice serious and matter of fact. "Um, well… it has been brought to my attention that people get married for a lot of different reasons, and a lot of the time they are very practical reasons."

"You don't say," he replied, echoing her serious tone with amusement.

"Please, don't make fun," she begged.

"Sorry."

"Yes. Well, you see, they each need something the other can provide, so it only makes sense, uh… to them… that they marry. And these arrangements can be very successful because there is mutual respect and trust… and uh, eventually mutual affection. Don't you think so?" she asked.

"Oh, I do," he agreed. "I can certainly see how two people who need each other could come to that conclusion."

"Right," she continued. "So I started thinking about you… I mean, I respect you. You are a very fine person, a wonderful physician. I've always admired how you never say anything you don't mean."

"Thank you," Hiram smiled. He could see she was starting to blush.

"You're welcome. And… trust. You have proven to be more than trustworthy. You know everything about me, Hiram. You know my secrets and my fears… things that would destroy me if anyone else were to discover them. But I never once thought you would betray me, and you never have." Hiram cleared his throat. He could feel his heart start to race with each word she said.

"As for mutual affection…"

"I believe I have made myself very clear on the matter of affection," he interrupted.

"Yes," she agreed quietly. "Yes, you have. You've been crystal clear, if we were to be truthful."

"Yes," he echoed. They walked on in silence. After a few moments, Eva stopped and turned to look him in the face.

"I love you, Hiram," she whispered. "I know that now. But…"

"But?" he queried.

"But I'm afraid," she said.

"I know."

"What if I don't love you enough?"

"It's enough," he replied with certainty.

"What if I never stop being afraid? What if I can never be the wife you need, the wife you deserve?" Her voice rose with emotion.

"I'm a patient man, Eva."

"You might have to be a saint, Hiram!" He couldn't help but laugh. She looked at him with slight annoyance, but finally let go. Her laughter mingled with her tears, and he thought she was the most beautiful woman his eyes had ever seen.

"Eva Beadle," he asked softly, taking her hands into his. "I love you and you love me. I need you and you need me. Will you please, _please,_ say that you'll marry me?"

"I will, Hiram Baker," Eva smiled. She wrapped herself in his embrace, thankful that she could once again recall how good and gentle the touch of a man could be. He gathered her to himself and tenderly dared to kiss her, thrilled at her receptive response.

"What happens next?" she asked, wishing the moment didn't have to end. She took too long to be honest with her feelings and the reward was better than she had hoped.

"Well," he answered thoughtfully. "Your timing is terrible. I have to leave today."

"We…" she corrected. "We leave today. I can be ready. I am ready."

"Are you sure? Don't you want to say good bye?"

"I never want to say goodbye," she assured him. "Not to you. Not ever."

THE END

**From the author: Thank you for reading my first LHOP fanfic. My plan right now is to write a sequel to this one, and then an Ian and Elizabeth follow-up. It's been fun. Peace.**


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